Spark of Jewish Experience

When one thinks of Tisha B’Av, immediately what comes to mind is “tragedy.” Although they are many unfortunate events that occurred on that day, the part that stands out the most is the destruction of the Temples. The first temple was destroyed (586BCE) because we, the Jews, transgressed three major violations: worshiping other G-d’s, murdering, and sexual miss-conduct. The second temple was taken away (70CE), because we had transgressed the violation of baseless hatred.
A question can be asked about this; if G-d allowed for the second Temple to be built, it must mean the Jews were forgiven for their misconduct. However, we still do not have the third temple, which means we are still not forgiven for baseless hatred.

Why?

Is baseless hatred more severe than murder??

Furthermore isn’t murder a result of baseless hatred?

Therefore why did G-d forgive us and permit the second Temple to be built?

There is an expression: “it’s a small world”, and you know it really is. We can comprehend how tiny the world really is, by understanding the true meaning of maturity. Maturity is often defined as having experience in dealing with people and situations. A person experiences many environmental changes in one’s life, whether it be by grade school, high school, college, various jobs, neighborhoods, and Synagogues. If one is really sensitive enough to notice, in every environment that he enters, the cast and characters are more or less the same. The list can include any one of these: the ‘take charge guy ‘,’the follower’, ‘the antagonist’, ‘the egotistical clad’, ‘Mr. Friendly’, ‘the jealous one’, ”the worrier’, ‘the bully’, ‘the self-righteous professor’, ‘the neat freak’, and ‘the slob’. I think I covered everybody, hmm? When the individual graduates from one setting to another, he is confronted, more or less, by a similar core group of characters. The more groups one has experienced with over the course of a lifetime, the easier it is to deal with personalities because one has seen them before. We have to be clever and learn from our past so we can master the future.

When I was in grade school, a close friend of mine turned against me, Just like that, overnight, he turned from being my best friend to my public enemy, a real bully, and he was relentless, turning many from the class against me. Over the years, I always held my head up high and proclaimed that I handled the situation well; I was poised, had a backbone and held my composure through many of his shenanigans. The rest of the class was impressed. Another antagonist in high school was problematic as well, but I learned well from that first experience.
A little while ago, now 40 years later, I bumped into that old classmate. We had a lengthy nostalgic conversation, during which he unexpectedly apologized for his behavior in grade school, and I detected on his face that he had such remorse. A few minutes later, we shook hands and said goodbye. As I was driving back home, with my son in the back seat, I shockingly noticed tears rolling down my face. I quickly wiped them away so my son wouldn’t see. Thank G-d, he was listening to the ballgame on the car radio and didn’t notice. Surprisingly, I asked myself, why was I crying? Was it possible, perhaps, that this antagonist-friend really hurt me deep down subconsciously? Is it possible “sticks and stones can break my bones but names can never hurt me”, is simply not true? I believe I felt vindicated. The fact that he acknowledged the pain he caused me felt good. Astonishingly, for 40 years, I had this hurt feeling bottled up inside of me.

Are we so sensitive? Or perhaps it’s just me? They say, when one gets older one becomes more fragile.

I would like to share the following story with you. Although I heard this story numerous times, it’s message shed some light after my reunion with my antagonist-grade school friend.

Many years ago, in Eastern Europe a very pious and religious looking old Jewish man with a beard entered the train and sat next to a yeshiva student. It seemed like perhaps the yeshiva student had a bad hair day because he was a little agitated and annoyed at all the little nuances that were happening around him. He was annoyed that the old man was touching his seat when he dosed off, and was defiant when the old man asked him to close the window because it was too cold. “It’s extremely stuffy in here” the young student replied. The student was getting more and more annoyed. Although one can say it’s a type of personality, this was a degree of control he had to exercise.

As the train pulled up to the station the students see’s a large crowd awaiting the arrival of the train. When the doors open, a number from the crowd moved toward the compartment where the old man and the Yeshiva student were sitting. “How was your trip, Rebbi” a few presumably students asked. They practically placed the old man on their shoulder as they escorted him to the platform. Such respect; the student was shocked. He asked the bystanders, who is this old man. “Why, don’t you know? That’s Rabbi Yisrael Salanter” one of the welcomers said. Rabbi Yisrael Salanter (AKA The Chofetz Chaim) was one of the leading Rabbis of his generation! “BOY, I’M SUCH A KNUCKLEHEAD!!” the student regretfully thought.

The student made pain staking, out of the way arrangements to meet again with Rabbi Yisrael so he can apologize. When he finally was granted the opportunity, he apologized profusely stating: If I would have known who you were, I never would have acted that way. Rav Yisrael asked what have you come to this town for. The student answered “I’ve come to learn the laws of hilchot schita- how to slaughter an animal for kashrut purposes”. The Rabbi responded “Why don’t you come learn with me; I’ll teach you”. The personal secretaries that were in the room where the dialogue between them took place were surprised at the Rabbi’s response to the student. They asked him, wasn’t it enough that you accepted his apology? Why was it necessary to offer to spend time and personally teach him?

Rav Yisrael responded “when one hurts someone it penetrates deep inside the soul. It’s difficult to remove from the heart. I could tell him I forgive you and I mean it however that might not be enough. For this reason I asked him to be his teacher. This way I will connect and warm up to him”. This is the concept that the more one gives, the more he loves. This will reassure that he has been truly forgiven

A few years ago I received a phone call inviting me to a siyum (completion of Torah learning) during the nine days. They were going to order deli from a Romanian restaurant in Chicago. One might say it’s a bit extreme to order from out of state, even though their taste in food is excellent. The problem was it’s during the nine days when meat cannot be eaten. I thought, why couldn’t they push it off till after Tisha Beh Av.

Are they that desperate for deli?

I mean, I heard of meat lovers, but don’t you think you’ve gotten a little too far?

Rabbi Dopelt who quotes the chedushai harim states; There’s an old minhag

(custom) that during the nine days Jews would make sure to have a SIYUM. They would invite many people even ones they don’t know. The reason for this is to have ACHDUT-unity. We were punished for being disunited, disloyal and having baseless hatred toward each other. Here we are showing the opposite. We are eating drinking and sharing our joy with each other. We are even sharing our joy with people we don’t know. We are showing G-d that we’ve learned our lesson and we can live peacefully with each other.

Why has G-d forgiven us for the three major sins and he has not forgiven us for unfounded hatred?

For the most part, murder is a crime of passion. A person generally has remorse. Perhaps it’s a result of a business deal gone bad. A person is in a temporary state of mind and for the most part has regret. Murder is a one shot deal (no pun intended). His desires got in the way. Generally there is no way one justifies murder unless it’s self defense.

However, with unjustified hatred, one thinks in his mind, it’s not baseless at all. He thinks he’s in the right, “I’m not the one that’s wrong”. His thinking is warped and it’s ingrained in his soul where it penetrates the victim’s heart. It’s an unseen killer because it remains in the victim’s heart. People who have baseless hatred for the most part hardly repent.

Now we can understand why G-d has not let us built the 3rd Temple. Temple is a symbol of peace. He has not forgiven us because perhaps, subconsciously, we have not forgiven each other. We don’t realize but words penetrate the heart.

It doesn’t matter whether it’s a childhood friend who turned into a bully, or somebody at work or business, we have memories of and get hurt without realizing. We therefore should be sensitive in what we say to people.

As we drove back home, my son felt good hearing the ballgame on the car radio and I felt good being relieved of a hurt feeling which happened four decades ago.