What is the best method to criticize and get good results in return, from loved ones, friends, employees, or subordinates? How about this; “HEY, IDIOT YOU BLEW IT, MY FIVE YEAR OLD COULD HAVE DONE A BETTER JOB!!! How do you think that will work? I know many who use that approach. Or, how about the old famous rebuke “I told you so”, That always makes a person feel good about himself. Now, which one is best suited for your style? Pick your poison.
Generally speaking, we don’t take criticism very well and truth be told only few methods are effective.
Rav Henoch Leibowitz z”tl, brings a beautiful example of an effective rebuke. Miriam and Aharon, who were the brother and sister of Moshe, the leader of the Jews, were discussing how Moshe was not spending enough time with his wife. “He’s too busy working late in the office”. This constitutes speaking Lashon Harah – speaking bad about someone. G-d then rebukes them. However, listen to the kind of language He uses when he approached them “Listen, please, to my words.” WOW, PLEASE!! What’s this “please” business? Although G-d was angry for speaking lashon harah on Moshe, however, He used nice pleasant words in rebuke. If G-d would have been tough, He would not have been heard. One can argue if it was a more harsher tone, they would have felt the severity of the sin. However, by nature, man doesn’t like to be rebuked and if it’s in an angry tone, he would shut it out even more. A person would automatically develop a defense mechanism and not comprehend the full value of the rebuke. This is especially true if the poor guy is being screamed at. He will not comprehend anything from the criticism. This goes against the goal of what was intended of the rebuke; the idea is to get the message across.
It’s also recommended to give an example.We find Natan, the prophet, giving an example to King David after David hastily and conveniently sent Batsheva’s husband, Uri Hachiti, to the front battle. Natan figured out David’s true intentions. A little while later, he was killed in battle. Natan asked David, “If a rich man stole a cow from a poor man, what would you do your majesty?” “The rich man should be punished.”, David replied. “That’s you, your highness, you’re the rich man”. Natan said it in such a way that David was able to accept fault. He didn’t realize until Natan’s example to what extent his crime was.
We have to know how sensitive a person is before we criticize. An example is Reuben and his father Yaacov. Yaacov had four wives; imagine getting rebuked not by one, but four wives. KOL HAKAVOD. After Rachel died, Yaacov transferred his primary bed to Bilah’s tent instead of his mother, Leah’s. Reuben felt his mother’s honor would be hurt so he moved the bed to his mother’s tent. It was a lack of respect on his part to play marriage counselor. Although Yaacov did not approve, he didn’t say a word until he was on his death bed. Yaacov rationalized Reuben was so sensitive that he would totally lose it and may even join his (Yaacov) wicked brother, Eisav.
Sometimes rebuke is just stating the facts. We find when Yosef revealed to his brothers, his true identity “I am you brother, Yosef”. That line, itself, was the most devastating rebuke one can give. The brothers realized at that moment their whole philosophy, their way of thinking, all these years was wrong. Yosef’s dream, for the most part, came true; they were shocked, confused, and devastated.
The Sages say the last rebuke is what we all are going to go through after 120. When we enter the Olam ha’emet, the heavens, where there is no false. The truth will be disclosed and we’ll be standing there staring at the truth and nothing but the truth, and feeling humiliated. This is considered the ultimate rebuke.
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