Parashat VaEtchanan always has an upbeat feel to it since it always falls on Shabbat Nachamu, the first of seven Shabbatot of consolation after Tisha B’Av. This Sabbath is traditionally called the “Sabbath of Comfort.” which takes its name from the haftarah from Isaiah in the Book of Isaiah 40:1-26 that speaks of “comforting” the Jewish people for their suffering. Yours truly got married at a later age, and for many years this Shabbat is associated, in my mind, with big singles weekend events which was conducted up in the Catskills kosher hotels. My personal experience, there wasn’t much comfort at all attending those events.
However, there is a deeper look at the concept of comfort and consolation that must be explored. Since grief, pain, disappointment and loss are all part of the story of every human being, it is remarkable how little attention most people pay to the necessity of dealing with misfortune – of how to achieve comfort and consolation. We are all actively engaged in attempting to avoid problems and pain – and correctly so – but deep down within our being we know that no human escapes tasting the bitter cup that life always brings with it. So it would be of aid to all of us to investigate how to deal with sadness and bring consolation and closure.
Furthermore “to comfort” is mightily important, and is a vital weapon, in the progress of life. Nonetheless, one has to understand what actions and ramifications fall under the category of “to be comforted” and “to comfort” for that matter.
There is an incident that occurred last year that I would like to share, which is etched in my mind since for it touched about people I grew up with and perhaps we can have a bit more clarity of “comfort”. I beleive its a powerful lesson to say the least.
Howard Johnsons in Rego Prk Queens in the 1960″s
I was part of a small patched up community consisting Bukharian, Avgani and Persian families migrating last from Israel, and settling in the Boro Park, Rego Park Forest Hills area in the 1960’s. As children we looked up to the older teenagers, for they were considered both Americans as well as the Israeli flavor of our parents, which was more pronounced in them since they were born there. There was an older girl, and I best remember her as the girl with the white hat which she wore with her white dress, whom had, with other teenagers her age, approximately ten years our senior, a tremendous influence on us. Many years later, I remember watching My bar mitzvah video and sadly, seeing her as a newlywed schmoozing with guests and gleaming proudly from ear to ear with her husband of a few months, at my smorgasbord party realizing in hindsight that a few years after that moment she will be divorced and being a single mom of her only child; she never married again
It was the beginning of chol hamoed last year where I received a call from my childhood friend stating that the girl with the white hat is in the hospital and I should visit her. He insisted I should not delay because she has approximately a week to live. I was stunned after hanging up the phone.
I called up a relative, who actually was in her class in grade school, and we both made the trip to North Shore Manhasset Hospital.
We met the son in the hallway and he confirmed the diagnosis. It was strange and eerie walking into her hospital room. The girl with the white hat although looked like a terminally ill cancer patient, was sitting up and was fully aware, memory intact, and speaking without any effort. The one flaw in her was that she was in complete denial of her grave condition. She kept on repeating “am I going to be okay?”. Unfortunately before realizing her condition I advised her that she should make peace with those people that she might of left hanging, only realizing later after she ignored the statement that it was inappropriate. Although I believe its vital that if one knows he’s not going to be in this world for very long that they should tie any loose ends. However!! One has to assess one’s condition and cautiously with sensitively, approach the situations appropriately.
After about seven days, I got a text as soon as Simchat Torah ended, that the girl with the white hat had indeed past away. The relative whom I went with to the hospital had visited her again 3 days before she died and said she was still fully aware, memory intact. He then said something interesting she received a visitor for an old friend and she asked him as well as others “am I going to be okay?” where then the friend countered in a strong confident voice with hand motions and all “of course you’re going to be okay we’re walking out of this hospital tomorrow hand and hand. Why don’t you pick your favorite restaurant and we’ll go next week. We’ll have a blast like the good old days”. My relative questioned the old friend’s response stating that its inappropriatly misleading. He said comforting someone is one thing but lying is out of line.
Well, what do you say my fellow readers? Was the old friend inappropriate?
Interestingly, one will find a mind boggling approach from our Torah and the lesson is from the famous incident of Abraham and his three guests.
Avraham lifted up his eyes and saw three men standing a short distance from him. (Bereshith 18:2)
The three strangers who visited Avraham were not men at all; they were angels disguised as men. Since Avraham had been experiencing a great deal of pain following his brit milah, God brought a heat wave to the region so that people would not travel. This would give Avraham a chance to rest, for he would not be bothered by guests. However, seeing that Avraham was distressed by the fact that no guests were coming to his home, G-d sent three angels disguised as men to visit him
We find the three angels coming to Abraham with a number of tasks, one of which is to tell Sarah that she will have a baby. The angels made a point of inquiring about Sarah, ‘Where is your wife, Sarah?’ so as to endear her to her husband’ (Bava Metzia 87a). The question that the angels asked, set up a response by Abraham (she’s in the tent) and through those words that he uttered, made him realize the exceptional modesty his wife possessed. Therefore, she would become even dearer to him.
We find something interesting in the Gemara in Ketubot in which we see that it is permissible to lie to a groom and tell him ‘your wife is such a beautiful Kallah (bride)’, even though she’s not. But for the sake of endearing the wife in the groom’s eyes, a little white lie is permissible. Commentaries on this Gemarah extend this idea. For example, if one purchases an item, let’s say a tie, and you meet him for coffee, even though the tie is not nice, one should lie in order not to make him feel bad; (If there is no refund policy.)
Furthermore in the parsha, we find Sarah could not believe the good news of her upcoming pregnancy. But she had an interesting response about her husband, ‘How can we have kids? My master is old’. But G-d misquoted her to Abraham, saying only about her ‘I have aged’ (not mentioning Abraham). G-d lied for the sake of shalom (peace), so that her words should not offend Abraham. This, despite the fact that Abraham was indeed old (he was 99) and would certainly have realized that she had no ill intentions when she had said it. Yet to avoid that tiniest possibility of friction, to refrain from diminishing somewhat the peace and harmony (shalom bayit), G-d altered her words.
There were two lies in this story line. In circumstances in which it is clear to everyone involved that an untruth is being told it is not considered a lie.. For this reason, we may disguise ourselves on Purim, or dress in costume for a performance – even if our identity is unrecognizable – without fear that we are deceiving others.. Since everyone knows that the mask hides someone, we need not concern ourselves with the ramifications of using a ruse. Avraham, on the other hand, did not know that his “guests” were really angels. Was he not being deceived into thinking that his visitors were men? Was he not being deceived about what his wife thought of him?
The Gemara cites the story of Rav Akiva and his wife who were extremely poor and possessed nothing more than straw to sleep on. God sent the Prophet Eliyahu to them, disguised as a beggar, to ask them if they had some straw to spare. Rav Akiva and his wife, who had been feeling the privation of their dire financial situation, found new hope in the realization that someone else was even poorer than they were. For the sake of alleviating their anguish, Eliyahu was permitted to impersonate a beggar in need of straw..
From the above incident the Gemara derives that in a situation in which someone needs comforting, the halachah permits us to act like Eliyahu.. For example if someone complains to us about his monetary problems, we may tell him that we are experiencing financial difficulties of our own, even if this is not so. Similarly Avraham, the pillar of kindness, was greatly distressed that he did not have a single guest. The angels alleviated his spiritual pain, and performed a tremendous act of kindness by coming to Avraham dressed as mortal beings. In order to preserve harmony between Avraham and Sarah G-d told a little white lie.
One has to realize a major fundamental concept that has been misinterpreted. Its one of the most famous word not only with us Jews but infact the world; the definition of the word EMET. Western concept of EMET-truth is defined as- facts no mater what the consequences are.. The Torah definition is: if there is no kindness to Emet it is not Emet. If one hurts someone with words even though its factual it’s not Emet. One has to live life according to whats right strait-yashar. The Angels changed the story and told Avraham Sarah will have a child; factual is not correct.. How to be kind is the EMET. What is important is not being perverted by self-interest.
The girl with the white hat was in denial. She wanted to hear reassurance. She wasn’t interested in factual, Deep down she knew her faith. The old friend was correct in reassuring her everything will be okay. That is true comfort. He was kind to her at the end of her life. That is Emet.
An impactful EMET is what happened to our people at our lowest point in our history. The most intriguing and fascinating items of the Mishkan (Tabernacle) are the Keruvim. They were found on top of the Aron. They were two child-like faces with wings pointed upwards. When the Israelite’s were close to G-d, they would embrace each other, and when the Jews were not on the standards that they should be, the Keruvim would face away from one another.
Shockingly when the Romans destroyed the Temple they mockingly brought out the Keruvim and showed everyone that the two childlike figures were hugging each other. They should of been in opposite directions.
G-d wanted to show the Jews in this time of defeat in this time of trouble, in this time of devastation and death, the lowest point in Jewish history G-d loves us. That is the ultimate reassurance!! This is against the facts. However the Emet is the Jews will build the third temple again. G-d was showing the ultimate comfort
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