This article is based on the writings of Rav Chaim Shmuelevitz, and Rav Eliyahu Dessler. Addition help and insights were provided by Rabbis Jay Shapiro, Baruch Dopelt, Yossi Bilus, Uri Sklaar, and Dr. Robert Goldman.
The Hollywood movie formula is pretty much the same. So many people have seen this scenario at one point or another, whether on flat screen, the computer, or even on their iphones: Two people are having an adulterous affair when the husband walks into the house. The adulterer jumps off the couch and hides behind the curtain. The audience wonders if he’s going to get caught as the wife tries to divert his attention from where the other man is hiding.
The husband is hungry, having not eaten after a long day at work, decides to nibble on the berries that he finds by the window sill. The adulterer see’s this and jumps out from where he was hiding, grabbing the berries from the husbands hand.
Apparently the berries were poisonous
Why did the adulterer save him?
Did he feel guilty and even feel a little remorse?
Perhaps he now feels, hey! I saved your life so as compensation your wife is mine.
Or perhaps there’s a different reason…
This scenario is not a Hollywood contraption; it’s actually a Gemara found at the end of tractate Nedarim.
The Gemara seems to indicate that the adulterer is not really an adulterer; after all why would he save him?
Isn’t it the best interest of the adulterer to have the husband dead?
“Perhaps not” Rava says and introduces us to a very interesting concept found all through our holy books.
MAYIM G’NIVIM NIMTAKU- stolen waters are sweet
Rava teaches us that the adulterer wants to keep the husband alive so that the affair with his wife would be exciting. Otherwise it wouldn’t be pleasurable.
Rav Chaim Shmuelevitz takes a similar story one step further stating that there are people would testify in court that the husband is alive even though he’s really dead. They want to create a pseudo adulterous environment as they make advances on the wife
Rav Chaim was puzzled about this; “the person testifying knows he’s dead! How can he say he’s alive and derive pleasure?
He wants to create an imaginary married woman because ‘stolen waters are sweeter’.
One can find the story quite bazaar, to say the least, one would think, hey, there are many desperados out there. Or perhaps one might think the dude’s who think like that are sicko’s.
It’s a mind boggling thought that one can go to such an extreme!!
The Talmud hints this idea again in a difficult Gemara found in Sanhedrin (75). It’s funny, though, many in our day and age have had infatuations over girls, however the Talmud seems to indicate that on rare occasions an innocent crush could lead to devastating results:
Again I paraphrase:
Someone has eyes on a woman and desires her and it seems like it’s having a serious psychological impact on his health. He becomes terribly sick as result of his infatuation to a point where death is imminent.
How can we save him?
Can we allow him to have relations with her?
No.
Can we allow the woman to undress before him so he can be satisfied and then cured?
The answer is no.
Can we allow him to speak to her behind a partitioner perhaps he would be satiated and be cured?
The answer is no.
Because of modesty laws we cannot degrade our Jewish girls.
So the Gemara asks a question.
Why doesn’t he simply just marry her? …..That will cure him!
The Gemara answers “It wouldn’t help, he would not receive the high caliber pleasure needed to quench his desire and recuperate from the psychological damage because, as his wife, she is permitted to him. Once she is permitted the pleasure is not as strong.
Better he die then to sin.
Why is the Talmud in various places insinuating that a married woman or someone who is not permissible is more desirable then one who is single?
What allure does a married woman have?
Perhaps this next story in the prophets will shed some light.
King Shlomo the smartest man that ever lived…..
King Solomon was the smartest man who ever lived. When his father, King David, was on his deathbed, he instructed his son, Shlomo, to use his own discretion (to kill) in dealing with Shimi ben Gera, who cursed the King (David) many years before. The verbal offensive remark by Shimi against the king is punishable by death, but for reasons undisclosed at that time, David did not act. After the death of his father, King Solomon summoned Shimi ben Gera and instructed him not to leave the boundaries of Jerusalem or he will be killed. ‘Build a house, learn Torah within the walls of the city; live your life till old age in Jerusalem. But don’t step outside the city or else’. Pretty easy, huh? We learn that it was extremely difficult for Shimi to stay in the confines of Jerusalem and to keep the arrangement, which Shlomo mapped out. Eventually he crossed the line and the King ordered his execution
Rav Chaim Shmuelevitz asks, ‘I don’t understand, why Shimi ben Gera couldn’t keep this simple arrangement? He was a very intelligent G-d fearing man. Plus, I know families that haven’t left Jerusalem for seven generations”. Many of us have relatives who have not left Israel and have no desire to leave anytime soon. It’s mind boggling how he wasn’t able to keep such a simple command’.
Apparently, man was born with an instinct to rebel, to break barriers and even a desire for imaginary barriers. Dr. Robert Goldman, psychologist for Chofetz Chaim Yeshiva, quotes Rav Volve, ‘Man’s nature strives for independence. He has an attitude ‘just to prove I don’t have to listen to you’ and they constantly create a situation to rebel. Ever wonder why some people violate Shabbat even though it’s clear in the Torah of the grave consequences; subconsciously they say ‘let’s see if I can get away with it’.
Dr. Goldman read a survey where bosses that married their secretaries, after a number of years, most relationships broke off. He mentions very often interest is lost in many of the cases. The relation, being now permissible, took all the fun out. He says it’s “the same when a couple move in together out of wedlock only to break up after they tie the knot. Why? On a sub-conscience level they’re rebelling against society, rebelling against the norm of getting married feels good.
In this week’s parsha, Ki Teitzei, we learn if a man goes to war and captures a woman from the enemy and desires her, and the Jewish soldier wants to take her home with him (prized stolen waters), the Torah permits him to do so but puts provisions; she has to shave her head, grow her nails long, and not see her parents for a period of time. Apparently, the Torah knows man will not be able to withstand the desire. Therefore, the Torah with it’s wisdom, tries to defuse ‘the forbidden fruits’ by making it legal, but with a few minor conditions. Apparently, the Torah believes that when the pressure subsides and the soldier doesn’t feel the rebellious streak, the desire for her will go away.
Television was a big influence on our generation in America. Even more so were the commercials where so many of us fell to our knees and swallowed the Kool-Aid.
A friend mentioned how he once, at age fourteen, went, incognito, to the fast food non kosher hamburger restaurant, famous for its very appetizing commercials. Years ago fast food restaurants advertised very heavily and successfully. My friend bought a burger and quickly snuck in a very empty movie theater so no one can see him and ate it. I remember back then, him telling me how incredible it was.
However I asked him later in life how was that hamburger?
Do you recall the incident with the hamburger? I asked.
He said it was nothing special. It was just the fact that he wasn’t allowed to eat it, that made him feel the excitement.
The feeling of rebelliousness gives a person a sense of satisfaction. How many readers out there feel that their class was the worst behaved class ever? ‘What we did to that school, boy, were they glad to get rid of us. You know we left a mark’. It’s nice to feel your class was the worst in the history of the world, isn’t it?
There is a famous question……
Which is harder….a person not commanded to do a mitzvah and does it anyway or a person who is commanded to do a mitzvah and does it? The answer is simple; a person who is commanded has the greater challenge since he now has the extra struggle of holding back from rebelling.
So after all this it seems we have build in us the tendency to rebel. Yet we were brought up believing that every Jewish soul is pure. Deep down inside all we want to do is good. This is in contrast to the rebellious streak in all of us…So which is it?
There seems to be a contradicting message. Rebellious streak or pure soul?
The Mystics say there is an extreme importance in saying the first blessing mentioning Avraham, Yitzchak and Yaakov in the Amida, which is considered the most important passage in prayer we have.
Man lost his purity as the result of the sin of eating from the tree. Through their experiences our three fathers Avraham, Yitzchak, and Yaakov brought back a degree of that pure soul. They instilled it into our spiritual DNA.
Throughout our lives we are in constant battle between the rebellious nature and the pure soul.
King Solomon knew human nature the minute you put barriers on someone or tell him not to do something, the task becomes harder, even to a man as great as Shimi.
Shimi was not able to dig in deep and connect to the pure soul of our forefathers thereby succumbing to a rebellious streak
David didn’t kill Shimi because he foresaw from divine knowledge that in the future he will produce children and from them the great Mordechai will come out. He therefore commanded Shlomo his son to implement the plan that would lead to his demise. This occurred after he gave birth to the future Tzadik Mordechai.
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