Spark of Jewish Experience

Rabbi Akiva Grunblatt poses a very interesting scenario that we as humans are often susceptible to in our relationships. As a matter of fact, as soon as he made yours truly aware of this fascinating discovery, I realized that it happened to me in my relationship with a loved one.

First things first, though. Here is the scenario Rabbi Grunblatt conveyed:

Suppose a father is approached by his daughter as he is getting comfortable on the couch, fifteen minutes before an important televised football game. She requests that he take her to a friend’s house. The father, puzzled, answers, “Honey why didn’t you tell me an hour ago? It’ll take me a half hour to go there and a half hour to come back. I’ll miss half the game.”

The daughter irately responds, “What’s more important: taking me to a friend or your silly game?” The father gave it a momentary thought, and responds reluctantly, “OK, I’ll take you.”

But then the daughter shakes her head and retorts, “No, thank you.”

Rabbi Grunblatt observes; initially the daughter wanted her father to take her to her friend and the father was reluctant to do so. Now it seems they switched roles. The father said “I’ll go” while the daughter says “Don’t bother.” Why are they reacting the opposite of what they originally requested?

It’s an interesting lesson in human nature. People would rather feel angry then guilty!! It’s a much more comfortable role. This is what many of us subconsciously do. The father would rather take his daughter than feel guilty about no taking her, and the daughter would rather stay home rather than feel guilty about forcing her father to take her. Perhaps there are even those that cleverly play this game consciously and manipulate others whether they are loved ones, friends, or coworkers.

This week’s parsha is one of the thirteen times that Shabbat is mentioned in the Torah. “My Shabbat you shall observe and My sanctuary shall you revere-I am G-d” (19:30)

We all know that Shabbat is a major part of Judaism and we for the most part observe it as best as possible. Every Jew is required to keep it. Here is an interesting story told over by Rabbi Label Lam that can only occur in Israel.

One Shabbos, a zealous young man was standing by the side of busy road in Israel shouting, “Shabbos!” as cars raced by. (Editor’s Note – I don’t believe this is the way to go about educating and I am not endorsing this approach.) A car came to a screeching halt and a big tough guy stepped out holding a tire iron in his hand.

He approached the fellow threateningly, advising him to say his last prayers because he’s about to meet his Maker. The young man asked him why he was so violent and angry. The man growled back at him, “Because you’re out here shouting ‘Shabbos’!”

The young fellow answered him softly, “But you didn’t stop your car because I shouted ‘Shabbos’.”

Angrier than ever, the tough fellow shouted, “What do you mean?!”

The young man tried again, “I can prove it to you! If I was out here on Tuesday yelling, “Yom Shlishi!” would you have stopped your car?” “No!” the fellow admitted, “I would just think you’re crazy.”

The young man concluded, “When I shouted “Shabbos” it wasn’t me you stopped for. Something inside of you shouted “Shabbos” along with me. That’s why you stopped your car!”

What’s the lesson? The one who stopped his car and acted with anger, for it was far better than facing the guilt of hearing the word ‘”Shabbos”.

Jewish guilt is a popular topic. It seems that Jews are always finding something to feel guilty about. Those who talk about Jewish guilt like to blame Jewish mothers for its continuity. But let’s be fair, guilt has gotten a bad rap in our generation. Perhaps even one which is undeserved. It is so powerful, we do almost anything to avoid it. Guilt is the driver of our internal system of checks and balances, the stubborn little inner voice that stops us from eating 5 glatt kosher hotdogs at the Met game in a row even though ballgame and franks are a marriage made in heaven.

We need guilt, that dreary engine of morality, in order for society to function. Without its looming prospect, we would turn into sociopaths. Or politicians. Guilt is our inner police force, but if we give it too much emotional power, we risk turning into a police state.

Guilt plays tricks on you. When I was working in the Jewelry business on “The Street”, 47th street that is, there was a mandatory vacation time, the first two weeks of July. I decided to go and learn in Yeshiva for those two weeks. However, as I was learning in the study hall I felt guilty I wasn’t in the office, even though the street was closed! Then, when I returned to the diamond district after two weeks, I felt guilty I didn’t spend more time in the study hall!

Interestingly, I once read a New York Time article and there was a Jewish female writer had a funny take on guilt: “My mother makes me feel guilty because her mother made her feel guilty. We will probably continue to transmit our guilt down the generations until our great-great-great-grandchildren jump in their spaceships and flee the planet. When they do, they’ll almost certainly be made to feel guilty about it.”

Rabbi Dr. Abraham J. Twersky writes in “Let Us Make Man” that guilt is to the emotions what pain is to the physical body. Physical pain is very useful and beneficial. Without pain we would not know that we have touched a flame, or dropped something heavy on our foot, etc. Pain alerts us to stop whatever it is that we are doing which is inflicting damage on us. When a person is whole emotionally, doing things which we know are wrong causes us guilt. The pain we call guilt lets us know that there is something we ought to stop doing. There is guilt which is founded in morals and conscience. That is healthy guilt. Guilt which lacks a foundation is not healthy and needs to be dealt with.

But be careful! There are many situations when guilt is not beneficial. One such one is that if one does not know clearly what their true obligations are there is room to be manipulated and made to feel arbitrarily guilty. As well, transforming guilt to anger to relinquish one’s responsibility is not good either. It’s the easy way out. It’s the cool thing to do. Perhaps one will win the argument, but it’s certainly not the ethical road.

Let’s get back to this week’s parsha and Shabbat. There is an important observation told over by Rabbi Yossi Bilus said by Rabbi Moshe Feinstein.

In the early 1900 in New York it was very difficult for a Jew to keep Shabbat. If one doesn’t show up for work on Saturday he might as well not come on Monday, for he most likely lost his job. Unfortunately for those that did keep Shabbat, their children, for the most part, astonishingly did not remain Shabbat observers. The question is asked why, they sacrificed so much to do so?

Rabbi Moshe observes the children sensed the uneasiness; they sensed the sacrifice; they sensed the guilt, the anguish of not being at work. It was a miserable guilt ridden atmosphere. Children are smart, they pick up on the feeling of parents. The parent brought the pain home with them.

At the beginning, I mentioned how this concept personally affected me. One Friday, when I was a teenager, my father came from work uncharacteristically very late. He had some bruises on his face and arms. He told my mother and I that, as he was very rushed coming home, he fell in the subway trying to catch the train. That Shabbat was as fun and wonderful as any other usual Shabbos orchestrated by Pop. After, Shabbat, though, he disclosed to us that two men who tried to rob him in his office and there was a struggle where then they ran away.

That is a powerful lesson. My father loved Shabbat and he was able to leave behind every day, business and all its anxieties, guilt and worries and enjoy Shabbat the way it’s supposed to.