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So then…I answer the phone and a voice says, “Do you have a trampoline in your backyard?”
Actually, I do. But now that someone’s asking, I’m suddenly, inexplicably nervous about admitting it. “Who is this?” I ask. “This is Jean at Harry’s office. You asked us to re-quote your car and home insurance.” “Oh, right, right.” I recall now that I asked our insurance broker to check for lower premiums. “It’s still out to bid,” she says. “But one of the insurance companies asked me if that’s a trampoline in your backyard.” “Um, why are they asking?” I ask suspiciously. “Some insurance companies charge higher premiums for that – and some won’t even write policies for homes with trampolines because they’re so dangerous,” she explains. Suddenly I feel guilty that I’ve allowed my kids to gleefully jump, flip, roll, and twirl on that trampoline for years. It has a huge netting enclosure so I think it’s pretty safe – and so far, no injuries. Plus they’ve enjoyed lots of bouncing, laughing, exercise-filled fun in the great outdoors, so that assuages my guilt a bit. But the mildly accusatory tone of the question makes me uneasy about admitting it, especially now that I’ve learned it may affect my premiums. I ask a bit defensively, “Why do they suspect I have a trampoline anyway?” She says, “Oh, they Google-mapped your house. On the computer, they looked at an aerial view of your backyard, front yard, the house, driveway, everything.” “What? Are you kidding me? They’re looking at aerial photos of my home? That’s an invasion of privacy!” I object. “Oh, all the insurance companies do that now. Aerial photos make it easy for them to spot any trouble before they write policies. They typically do a drive-by in person too, but the aerial photos save a lot of time to eliminate bad prospects right away.” I’m outraged! This is sounding very Big Brother-y to me. Now I have to worry about what we happen to be doing outside when the satellite cameras pass overhead? What’s next? Will the insurance companies ask me: Hey, are those your kids playing with matches on the front steps? Fire Insurance: denied. Are you chasing a bee swarm with a blowtorch? Insurance denied. Is that you relaxing by the pool? Insurance denied. Are those beer bottles strewn around your backyard while you and your friends try to build a tree house in a palm tree? Insurance denied. Why is there a motorcycle in the pool? Insurance denied. I’m not saying these things happened – but if they did happen, that’s MY business! I’m just totally freaked out by the idea that someone can be sitting miles away in a little office watching what’s going on in my backyard on their computer screen. And how can they not be super judgy? Are they sitting there saying things like: Is that your third glass of wine? That honeysuckle bush needs watering. And what if they perfect thermal imaging so insurance companies can see what we’re doing INSIDE the house? Is that you sneaking Ben & Jerry’s ice cream at midnight when we specifically heard on our listening device that you swore to your family there was no ice cream left? Insurance denied. “So,” Jean says, bringing me back to the present. “DO you have a trampoline?” “That’s what they think, huh?” I hedge. “Yeah, they said they saw a big dark circle on the aerial photo of the backyard, so they figured it was a trampoline,” she says. “Maybe it’s a moon crater.” “Huh?” she says. “Or like a really big black round blanket I’m knitting for an orphanage.” “Yeah, OK, it’s a trampoline, so what. And yes, I will get rid of the trampoline. If that will make them happy! It won’t make my kids happy, I’ll tell you that. And I’m totally blaming it on the insurance company!” So I break the news to the kids, but they’re not too upset since they’ve had several good years on the trampoline and have started to outgrow it anyway. I then explain to them in elaborate detail how insurance companies can basically see anything that’s happening in our yard and driveway and possibly home – and that they will report back to me any suspicious behavior perpetrated by my children. They don’t believe me. Rubes. Meanwhile I consider thwarting the thermal imaging sensors by wearing a tinfoil suit whenever I dip into my secret stash of Ben & Jerry’s.
When a parent passes away, there is a tremendous pressure on the siblings as they try to make the necessary burial arrangements. There are many details and it’s difficult to focus on simple tasks. There is emotional confusion as the heart does not except or comprehend the tragic occurrence that just transpired. It’s not for naught that the Jewish Law is such that one is exempt from prayer until the deceased is buried. It’s impossible to concentrate. One seems to be living in a cloud.
I had the entire Shabbat to think of what to say at the funeral which would be held right after Shabbat. Then plan was that afterward the family would all travel to Israel for the burial. I remember that, as I was in a helpless and confused state, the only quality I can think of in my father was that he always knocked on my door to my room and waited for me to say come in. He respected my privacy and I always appreciated that. Although many said I spoke well, I was surprised that I chose to speak about privacy.
For many years I always wondered to why that particular attribute of my father stood out in such a situation? After all, I had tremendous respect for him and he had so many qualities that stood out. In fact, it was my parents’ Shabbat table that has enhanced my love for life. Why the respect for my privacy was what I thought about at that moment?
Dr. Robert Goldman, Psychologist of Yeshiva Chofetz Chaim, suggests that there is a broader concept that’s actually in the forefront, that being Tzniut-modesty. “The concept of modest doesn’t exist at a infant or toddler stage” he says. Rather, only later does a child begin to understand that showing modesty and privacy is an essential part in his/her development of personal dignity. There are those who embarrass their children in public. This is a major violation. Children are people too and need to strengthen their personal dignity at a young age.
There was a grade school Rebbi who would always knock on the classroom door before entering. Once, his students asked him “why do you knock before entering?” Many teachers make it their business to barge in and surprise the students, catching them in an uncompromising act. The Rebbi believed that it’s important to develop trust and that’s how, by the way, one develops a sense of self value.
We read in this week’s haftora ..VEH HATZNAI LECHET-walk humbly with your G-d. This walk should be in private, meaning, one develops a relationship with G-d privately. This is the reason why we read the first part of the AMIDA, a very important prayer, quietly . It’s the main form of developing a relationship with G-d. Sometimes, one can display his love for G-d in public. But, for the most part, man needs the intimate relationship with his Creator.
Astonishingly, we recite in our prayers MAH TOVU OHALECHA YAACOV MISHKANOTECHA YISRAEL. Does anybody know who uttered the phrase? It’s found in this week’s parsha. The wicked Bilam, out of all people, an evil man who reached the ultimate lowest level man can reach, uttered this very high praise when he saw the Israelite camp from above on the mountain. Thinking to himself, he was impressed that all the entrances of their tents were systematically pitched in the opposite direction of their neighbor’s entrances so that privacy can be preserved. Even though Bilam’s words of praise were forced out of his mouth by G-d, as he intended to curse the Jews, nevertheless, this impressive praise of modesty is a staple of our character. Modesty is a vehicle in which we can ride to the Gates of Heaven.
One of the more important lessons of “MAH TOVU OHALECHA YAAKOV ” can be applied to the privacy of a married couple. It’s inevitable that couples will fight, however, for the most part, they will also usually make up. However, when the in-laws, neighbors or friends barge in unannounced during one of those heated moments, they can fan the fire and cause irreparable damage.
Jewish law has great respect for privacy. If you want to build a home overlooking another home, you cannot do it in such a way that you would be able to see into your neighbor’s courtyard from your window. It would be an invasion of privacy. Gossiping about others or making judgments about their behavior is also prohibited because it means you are looking into an aspect of their existence that is not open to your scrutiny. It’s private, between them and G-d, and if you judge them, you’re trespassing.
Ever wonder why we received the Torah in the desert. The desert is a secluded place, it’s nice and private. G-d bonded with us there by giving us the Torah and we accepted it. Similar to a couple who gets married; the bride accepts the ketubah. The Jews needed some “chill time” alone with G-d. The honeymoon lasted 40 years. A couple needs their chill time, their intimacy, their privacy. We learn an important lesson from our accepting of the Torah. It’s vital for the couple to have their time alone in order for the marriage to sustain itself.
When a parent passes away, there is a sense of abandonment; “they left too soon” is the consensus of many children, even though they lived to a ripe old age. Many feel that the value of life is diminished by their passing. These are the people who instilled within us a sense of worth. A parents’ job is to teach children the lessons of life. However, now that these teachers of humanity, of Torah values, have abruptly left us, our personal dignity, at least momentarily, is diminished as well. Therefore, on a subconscious level, one can feel a loss of this personal dignity, self worth and self value.
We stayed at my parent house that Shabbat before the funeral and before traveling to Israel for the burial. We actually slept in my old room. I couldn’t help imagining hearing the knock on the door of my room and envisioning my father anticipating to come in. He built in me human dignity by preserving my privacy. The words from the heart, from the subconscious, came out at the eulogy that I gave as a result.
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