After I spoke at an event, I was approached by someone who asked me how he can take away the hurt that was inflicted by a young lady friend of his. After revealing some of the things the young lady did, I said “Well, she’s not a friend anymore.” In actuality, after hearing the story, I don’t think she should have ever been his friend. He tells me he doesn’t know why he desired her so much. That reminded me of what Rabbi Isaak Olbaum said a number of weeks ago on the subject of desire. He said the Torah is very selective in how it uses the various versions of the word “desire.” For example, when a soldier goes to war and sees a beautiful captive enemy “and he desires her”. The word the Torah uses is VE CHASHAKTA BA and he desires her, and you want to take her for a wife. Later after the soldier returns from the emotional state of war to a more familiar and calmer environment, the scripture continues. “And after you took her for a wife and then you don’t desire her…”. Here the Torah uses another word for desire, CHAFAXTA. What’s the difference? CHASHAKTA means desire without logic. There is no real reason why he desires her other than a certain illogical attraction. CHAFAXTA on the other hand is wanting it because…… There is a logical reason for the “desire.” Here, he is making a rational decision.
We find something similar when the Torah tells us of Shechem who raped Yaakov’s daughter, Dina. CHASHAKTA NAFSHO BE BIETCHEM – his soul desired your daughter. Then the scripture writes that he desired her because she was Yaacov’s daughter. Here it uses the word CHAFAXTA. At first, Shechem desired her just for attraction purposes. Apparently the Torah describes this attraction as “an attraction with no legs to stand on.” Meaning, it’s not going to last. However, after finding out who she is, Shechem desired her; he had a reason for his desire. She was Yaakov’s daughter. There are many occasions in which people are attracted to people; however this attraction has no legs to stand on. At the end, many of us get hurt; sometimes really hurt. Emotions are hard to overcome. If one has a measly fighting chance, it would be trying to use “logic” and to ask themselves “why am I attracted to this person?” Is it CHASHAKTA or CHAFAXTA? However, it’s not always so simple, even when one knows this person is not right for them, they may still have a strong, emotional, illogical desire. It’s scary to admit; it’s scary to think that desire is uncontrollable. We have to make it our business to fight it with logic. |
Archive for Jewish Values
The Different Aspects of Desire
We Hope to Have Some Good Company on Our Side on Judgment Day
If someone wants to do something very wicked, but for some turn of events, it never came into fruition, will he get punished for the thought? In this week’s Parsha, we recall Lavan, the father in law of our fore-father Yaakov. We all heard some nasty stories about in-laws; however, Lavan is by far the front runner of the biggest nightmare an in-law can possibly be. The pasuk recants how Lavan tried to kill Yaakov and his family. Rashi, the mainstream commentary on the Torah, oddly seems to write although the plan didn’t materialize, however it’s as if he did do it; that he actually caused harm. The thought translates to action. But wait! Contrary to popular teachings, haven’t we learned because of the mercy of G-d, that good thoughts equal to brownie points even though it doesn’t work out at the end. Consequently, if someone has the intention of sinning and last minute he misses his train and is unable to go through with it, the bad thought doesn’t count. So why is Lavan endeited for a crime that never happened? We read in the most important prayer in our three daily services, the Amida, “The G-d of Avraham, G-d of Isaac and the G-d of Yaakov.” It’s in their merit that will help us, G-d willing, in putting us in the book of life. However, it’s not just their merit that will get us in. Perhaps, it’s the character traits that we inherited from them. We are from the genealogy of Avraham, Yitzchak, and Yaakov, and a lot of their fine characters in which put them over the top is passed down through the generations to us. So presumably, the bad thoughts which some of us have will not amount to anything because our forefathers would never do those things. A mitzvah which we intended to do but didn’t happen, we will get credit for because its safely assumed that our ancestors would have done it, so therefore, our character will, most likely, perform the good deed; its ingrained in us. Lavan had some cruel blood in him; so its assumed he would sin. In his situation, a bad thought will go against him. I remember, many years ago when I was in the jewelry business, a business that relies heavily on trust, someone called asking for an expensive stone. We never did business with him before, so I was a bit hesitant. My father z’l said to give it to him. I said to my father “Pop, don’t you want to do a credit check first?” He said to me, “I don’t need to do a credit check, I know his father; he was an honest good man.” He said, “If you want to know a person, you look at his family roots.” Our family roots goes through some fine characters leading to the nucleus, Avraham, Yitzchak, and Yaakov. This is the reason G-d gives us, the Jews, the benefit of the doubt. When we pray, we have to emphasize the greatness of our Jewish people, the greatness of our ancestors. We should reiterate in our prayers that we will live up to the standards of our forefathers because we have it in us; it’s in our genes. G-d should give us the benefit of the doubt even more than He usually does and we hope to get written in the book of life. Our nation has to live up to a different standard, a standard of excellence. |
Avoiding Another Tragedy
Three wealthy Jews supplied grains to the brethren in the walled city of Jerusalem that would have lasted for twenty years. One of the bravado groups insisted that the whole nation fight even though there were sufficient numbers that were against such action. They forced their hand by destroying all the grain. “Ah ha, now you have to fight.” We, unfortunately know the disastrous result.
Not getting along and hatred was obviously the main reason of the destruction of the temple. I would like to bring out another valuable lesson from this tragic time.
A good number of years ago, a kashrut organization in collaboration with a mashgiach was certifying a restaurant kosher. The Mashgiach had various stores and restaurants under him. The Mashgiach, though, was a cocky guy; he had the “I know how to perform my job. I’m the best in the business,” attitude. The head of the kashrut organization was a no-nonsense, impatient, short-fused type. Both, though, were very sincere law-abiding religious pious Jews. The Mashgiach’s job was to report weekly to the kashrut organization. Although it’s a formal tedious procedure, however, the by-the-books kashrut chief expected it. However, the mashgiach didn’t follow the kashrut protocol and guidelines. The head of the kashrut organization would call him periodically for reports, but the Mashgiach didn’t comply. He didn’t even bother to relay the message, “I’m handling the situation, you’re in good hands. You have to assume I’m in the control booth; it’ll be okay”. The head chief was livid that the report was not on his desk or on his answering machine. “There must be something wrong. He’s either hiding something or not doing his job,” proclaimed the chief. He then removed the kashrut certificate from the restaurant claiming non-compliant; something was fishy.
Is there anything wrong with their behavior? Should he have filled out the silly report once a week? “Yes!” Should the kashrut chairman have a little bit more tolerance? “Yes.” All this is emet. However, there is another important factor and that is to realize and be aware of the ramification of their actions. The innocent store owner lost his certification, lost clientele after bouncing around from one fly by night hashgacha to another, and eventually lost his business.
Perhaps this is what the Jews in the Temple times were also guilty of. They didn’t foresee what their actions will bring; what the ramifications of their decisions would be. Was anybody thinking what would happen if they lost the war? What justification do they have to destroy the grain? This would have tired out the enemy for they would have to wait a very long time outside the fortress.
Seeing beyond the surface is vital for everyday life. When your wife or husband does or says something to hurt you, first, one should ask themselves “Did I do something to trigger her reaction?” If your kids starts to fight with each other or have a temper tantrum, the possibility exists maybe they’re hungry. One cannot react right away. If someone talks bad about you, one has to think first and ask is it a good idea to retaliate? What would be the ramifications if I do? Think of all the considerations before you react. One must think of the bigger picture of what might happen; what it would cause. We should try to see the other side. If we are able to see the consequences, we will avoid a lot of headaches in our lives and the lives of others.