This article was constructed with the help of either writings, lectures or shiurim of Rabbi’s Yissachar frand, Pinchus Winston, Yossi Bilius
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Raising children is a handful. For the most part, it’s all too common, that each parent commits himself to play a different role in order to raise them in the best way possible. What tends to happen, naturally, one parent is strict and the other is lenient. It’s the old “good cop – bad cop” routine. My childhood friend’s mother would always frighten the boys by saying “I’m going to tell Abba”. Their father was a hot tempered hard working man. The negotiation blackmail tactic always worked; the boys were scared. Between my parents, though, my mother was the strict one. Those who know my wife and me can take an educated guess on who wears the badge in the family. Interestingly, it’s a concept that is applied to many aspects of life and is the lifeblood of our relationship with G-d. We pray accordingly; we eat accordingly; we live accordingly to this concept. Ironically, many of us don’t even know it.
We see it in this week’s parsha.
The kings of Moab and Midian, enemies for many generations, united for the purpose of a common attack upon the children of Israel. Balak, the newly elected king of Moab, had been put in charge of the plans. Balak came to the conclusion “all the Israelites’ success could only be attributed to some form of magic”. He believed that the only way to destroy the victorious Jews was to outdo them in magic by a spell stronger than theirs.
Balak, therefore, sent messengers to Bilaam, the greatest magician of those days, asking him to come to Moab to curse the people of Israel.
As the parsha progresses, we see that Bilaam was unsuccessful in cursing the Jewish people. But, as a last ditch effort, he told Balak, “Balak, I have a plan for you. The G-d of the Jews cannot tolerate promiscuity. I recommend that you hire the daughters of Midyan to seduce the Jewish men. They would then be in violation of the will of their G-d, which will cause Him to become angry against them.” In this plan, he was indeed successful and there was a plague in which thousands of people died. This was his parting shot against the Jewish people.
We know one of the Jewish character traits that G-d holds in high esteem is modesty. Why would the Jewish men actually take the bait and get seduced by the non-Jewish women? After all this was a superior generation. So it seems odd that Bilaam would pursue that route knowing that his chances are slim. Perhaps he knew something that we don’t know.Bilaam’ pursuit of this idea was even more strange since we learned that he was impressed with the modesty and morality of the Jewish people. He uttered the words “How goodly are your tents O’ Jacob; your dwelling places O’ Israel.” Our Sages say he was impressed with the privacy that each tent provided their neighbors – no door was open opposite the entrance of the neighboring tent.
Given that, what gave Bilaam the impression that the daughters of Midyan would have success in their immoral attempts to seduce the men of Israel?
The Sifrei Kabbalah cites Sanhedrin 105b, which asks why Bilaam, this high priced sorcerer, was unable to curse Klal Yisrael. The Gemara explains that Bilaam’s power in “knowing the Mind of the High One” was that he could sense the fleeting moment in each day that G-d became angry. The Sages say there is a brief “regah” [instant] in every day when the Almighty becomes angry at the Jewish people. Bilaam knew how to pinpoint that moment. But G-d granted them special protection by not allowing Himself to become angry during the entire period when Bilaam was hired to curse them. About this the prophet teaches: “My nation, recall pleases what was the plan of Balak – King of Moav and what Bilaam – son of Beor responded to him. From Shitim until Gilgal, in order to know the righteousness of G-d.” [Micha 6:5]. The Talmud teaches, “What was the righteousness of G-d (referred to by the prophet)? G-d told the Jews: ‘You should know this entire period in which Bilaam tried to curse you; I changed My Behavior which I have practiced from the 6 Days of Creation and I never became angry during this time frame. Had I become angry during the period like I normally do (albeit for an instant) there would not have remained a single Jew left!'”
However, the fact that G-d did not get angry triggered Bilaam to devise a brilliant plan. The way the world operates is that too much love is not a good thing either. Unbridled love, un-channeled love, unchecked love can lead to disastrous results. It can lead to promiscuity. It can lead to love relationships between two people that are not appropriate. Therefore, this tremendous emanation of this spirit of Love can be perverted. What is the antidote? The antidote is that “G-d becomes angry every single day” (Kel Zoem b’chol yom). This anger serves as a counter balance to the feelings of uninhibited and unchecked love. This Divine injection of momentary anger is what keeps the world in equilibrium. That is why there can be the proper love and the channeled love, and the love to the right people.
When Bilaam saw that his curses were not getting through and he realized that G-d was not getting angry, he said “Aha! When there is no counterbalance to the love, the situation is ripe for promiscuity.” Based on that he understood that the time was ripe for this very private, very modest Klal Yisrael to be seduced and corrupted by the daughters of Midyan.
When the Torah in Achrei Mot describes the prohibited relationship between sister and brother, it uses a very peculiar language: “Chessed Hu”. Is it not strange that an illicit relationship should be called “Chessed” (which normally means ‘kindness’)? The answer is that when there is an illicit love in inappropriate places, the love has gone wild. It is Chessed – kindness, love; but it can exceed appropriate boundaries and be forbidden.
This is why Bilaam was confident that he would be able to entrap Klal Yisrael.
This Kaballistic idea has an application to us as well. Love must be checked and balanced. We need to maintain the “right hand which draws near and the left hand which pushes away.” We need to employ this principle with our children. We love our children immensely. We want to shower them with love and give them as much as we can and treat them as well as we can. But again, if that “Ahava” [love] is unchecked without a counter-balance of appropriate discipline and appropriate putting them in their place when the situation demands, it can be as destructive as the lack of ‘Ahava’.
Thus, Kabbalah speaks of two primary lights: Chesed and Gevurah, whose natures are complete opposites. Chesed (Kindness, love) usually translates into mercy, is compared to water which flows without boundary, though it is considered to be quiet and peaceful. Gevurah (Strength) usually results in strict judgment, on the other hand, is compared to fire and the source of tzimtzum, the constriction of G-d’s light, like the glass that contains and gives shape to water. Tifferet brings a wonderful balance based upon the two of them called Chesed shel Emet, “Truthful Chesed.” It is the best of both worlds, because as we have seen, both Chesed and Gevurah in extreme measure are destructive. Too much Chesed can deny the recipient a sense of self and independence, and too much Gevurah can deny a person the assistance he needs. Too much “right hand” means the child will never learn discipline; too much “left hand” will mean the child will never learn love.
Throughout the year as well as daily, Chesed and Gevurah manipulate the time and it’s our duty, to the best of our ability, to take advantage of the moment. For example, the time for chessed is from chatzot – midnight till midday and the time for Gevurah is midday to midnight. For this reason we say slichot-forgiveness for our sins (prayers said before the high holy days) between midnight and the morning hour where G-d bestows his mercy in the world. We have to take advantage of the mercy moments!! This would be the best option for forgiveness. We now see how Chessed and Gevurah influence our lives on a daily bases.
There are a few observations about Chessed and Gevurah that should be noted:
On the topic of counting, we have a tradition; interestingly enough, that blessing only comes to things that are not counted (Bava Metzia 42a). In fact, sometimes counting results in just the opposite-in curse-which is why, in Parashas Ki Tisa, the Jewish people were not counted directly but through their contributions of a half-shekel-silver coin.
This is not something to be taken lightly, and it is why people in the know, when trying to ascertain if 10 people are available for a minyan, do not directly count people, but the shirts they are wearing, or by assigning one word of a 10-word verse to each person. When all the words are used up, 10 people have been counted.
But, why should counting make a difference to one’s level of blessing? The Zohar explains this as well:
The Upper Blessing comes from the side of Chesed, and all measuring and counting is from the side of Gevurah, which is a matter of measurement and limits … (Ibid.)
Thus, to count something is to apply Gevurah to it. It is to define the thing and to limit it, and to yank it from the world of Chesed and blessing to the side of Gevurah and constriction, the domain of the Sitra Achra. For, the Sitra Achra, the source of the yetzer hara and evil in the world, can only exist in a reality where G-d’s light is constricted, which happens when something is counted.
Another interesting observation that one may not have been aware of is the ketoret, a prayer we recite three times a day describing the incense that was burned in the Temple.
The Arizal says that when one recites the Ketoret with accuracy it inspires teshuvah-repentance and is a source for parnassa and refuah shelema.
Since Gevurot by their very nature are considered “difficult” and “hard,” terms associated with the Divine judgment they invoke (judgment is considered to be the opposite of kindness), therefore they are also represented by hard substances. When a hard substance is ground into a fine powder, as in the case with the ingredients of the Ketoret, it is also called a “weakening” or “sweetening” of the Gevurot.
The finely ground Ketoret mixture represents the sweetening of the Gevurot, and therefore a more favorable judgment. This is why, according to Kabbalah, the Incense mixture is returned to the grinding bowl once again Erev Yom Kippur to be ground down even more finely which is why Yom Kippur is considered to be such a special time of Divine mercy.
We see the concept of Chessed and Gevurah is applied to much in our daily lives. As we learned there has to be a happy balance (tifferet). Too much Chessed or too much Gevurah can be disastrous. For this reason, when both parents are strict or both parents are lenient that makes the recipe for a disaster. Although both parents have to be on the same page, same philosophy, however, the style is recommended to be different. Who wares the badge in your family?