Tag Archive for Desire

Pursuit of Honor

August 21, 2013 G-d and Us, Holidays No comments

 

King Haman

 

          Our sages teach us, there are certain character flaws which one possesses that are so destructive ‘it could take you out of this world’. In other words, one can be thrown off course and lose any line of reasoning, any happiness, and any satisfaction, because of this deficiency.

 

A prime example is the wicked Haman who presumably had everything and yet felt he had nothing. Here is a man who was second in command to the king of the most powerful nation in the world and worshiped by all subjects of the vast super power Persian Empire; however, he was not satisfied with everything because one Jew, Mordechai, would not bow down to him. How could it be that Haman even noticed the lack of this miniscule amount of honor amidst the overwhelming flood of glory that was his? Perhaps, if not for the dangerous predicament our ancestors were in, the way he conducted himself through his obsession would have been observed as quite humorous.

 

Rav Chaim Shmuelevitz zt”l explains that one is never able to achieve satisfaction through honor. As much honor as you will receive, you will find yet more that you must have, and so your craving will never be satisfied. It’s like a cat chasing after his own tail.

 

One of the most wicked kings our People ever had was Yeravam ben Navat. Here was an individual who was quite charismatic, a tremendous orator and extremely knowledgeable in Torah; yet he brought our people to sin in a tremendous way. He was also one of the parties responsible for dividing the Jewish nation into two entities. The motives of his actions were purely for the pursuit of honor. He is one of the few individuals who will not have a share in the world to come. Once G-d approached him and pleaded to Yeravam, “Please repent and I’ll arrange for you, me, and Ben Yishai (King David) to stroll in Gan Eden (heaven)”. And he answered “Who’s first, me or Ben Yishai?” “Ben Yishai” G-d replied. “I’m not interested”, said Yeravam. Is it possible Yeravam would give up this great opportunity of eternal pleasure for not going before David? The sages note he was destined to be before Ben Yishai in Gan Eden but because he had the audacity to ask, he was put second. Our sages write, “Those who chase honor, honor will run away from them”. Rabbi Akiva Tatz teaches us an important lesson in human insights. He says, “As man gets older, his desire for physical pleasures for women decreases. However, as compensation, there is an increased desire for honor”.

 

There are many lessons one can learn from the story of Purim. But one lesson that is relevant to all of us is the unconscious pursuit of honor. Haman ruined his life and the life of others for that desire, and it’s frightening, because to some degree we are all prone to get tested by it at some time.

Parshat Ki Tetzei

August 18, 2013 Highlights on the Weekly Parsha No comments
First Portion
* In war-times, on the battlefield, tasting the forbidden fruit is even harder to resist than usual. This is perhaps the reason the Torah concedes and permits the unthinkable, marrying a gentile woman! (As long as certain conditions are met). Why is a soldier at the front different than the ordinary Joe? One may add, as we discussed earlier, war manifests the cruel nature in man. Dr. Goldman, psychologist at the Yeshiva Chofetz Chaim, says part of their mental training is to enable themselves to think “I’m dead to ones’ feelings”, robotically. Did one ever hear of the expression often said to a soldier “to suck it up”? He has to be man enough to take the severe pounding – to be numb to human feelings; he has to have that killer instinct. As a result from this training, therefore, a soldier loses sensitivity to people. He’ll get whatever he needs from the enemy, then he will neutralize them.  Another aspect why a soldier is singled out is the strong emotions of not knowing one’s fate at any given moment which prepares the soldier to act in the most intense way. This result of fear and hate are both common in the battle field and both could be taken to a unprecedented staggering extreme level. The Torah teaches us that most likely a soldier is not in control of his emotional state.  We see too often that exchanging one’s civilian clothes for an army uniform, frees a man from customary social restraints and permits laxity of morals. Therefore, the Torah hopes that once the gentile woman is permitted, the soldier’s passion will subside since the evil inclination loses strength as soon as the attraction is no longer forbidden. Also the fact, that he’s back home and the Torah takes steps to make her unattractive, both physically, in ancient times the gentiles would send their daughters to the battlefields beautifully dressed and made up, hoping to distract the enemy, and emotionally, the adjustment of separation from her family, would cool him off. It’s a lesson to us all about the forbidden fruits and the power of lust. The minute it is permitted, it loses its luster.
* Although the Torah hints earlier of a b’chor getting a double portion. Here, its emphasized and sets the tone of the first born inheritance.
Second Portion
* Here is the source that a man may not wear woman’s clothing and woman may not wear men’s clothing. There should be a clear distinction between the genders. Our sages ordained that a man may not pluck out white hairs, wear feminine jewelry, or shave off hair ordinarily removed by women. The Torah wishes to respect and uphold the distinction G-d made between the sexes.

Third Portion
* If a man has a child from an illicit affair with a married woman, that child is called a mamzer. Mamzer is from “mum zar” a strange defect. It’s a marriage that is strange among the Jewish people. This strange defect is derived from a man and a woman whose marriage can never be valid. An example is a brother and sister or other form of incest or what we mentioned above, a married woman who bore another man’s child. Contrary to popular misconception, a mamzer is not someone born out of wedlock. A mamzer can never marry into the Jewish race. They can only marry another mamzer. It’s vital that if a man and wife separate and no longer intend to live with each other and are pursuing another relationship, to get a “get” (Jewish divorce decree).

Fourth Portion
* One may not take interest from a fellow Jew.

Fifth Portion
* Its understood if a kohen divorces his wife, he cannot remarry her. The reason is he cannot marry a divorcee. But why does the Torah forbid a non-kohen from re-marrying his ex if she had married someone else after him?  The Torah takes modesty laws seriously. This prohibition precludes the possibility of prearrange exchange of wives under the mask of legality. Man’s nature is such where he wants to try someone else; the neighbor’s grass is greener. Our Sages, therefore, stress minimal contact among couples. One can have an amazing time going out with his wife but that’s where it should end. If one thinks he can hold himself back and boast I was raised in a co-ed society and I never had any thoughts of others.” Well, are you sure about that? Till this very day, some people fast after the concluding holidays of Pesach and Succot because of bad thoughts. In ancient times, there would be large crowds gathering at the Bet Hamikdash (Temple) where men and women would see each other, even if it was separate. Today as well, if one goes to an innocent Jewish concert, Baruch Hashem bli ein-hara, many of us know how to groom and take care of ourselves sometimes a bit too excessively. Well, people have thoughts.

Sixth portion
* If a man is newlywed, he cannot go to the army; he shall stay home for one year and gladden his wife. In order for one to be happy to the fullest, he has to make others happy. The first year of marriage is quite crucial in developing a bond between man and wife.

Seventh Portion
* Interesting, relatives are not responsible for their relatives’ sins. I guess I’m Jewish, I’m going to leave off with a unanswered question. King David was forced to take the offspring of Shaul, the previous king, who was killed in battle, and deliver them to the enemy in retribution for Shaul killing their people. Why did Shaul’s offspring get punished for the sins of their grandfather?

The Rebellious Streak In All of Us

August 18, 2013 G-d and Us No comments
This article is based on the writings of Rav Chaim Shmuelevitz, and Rav Eliyahu Dessler. Addition help and insights were provided by Rabbis Jay Shapiro, Baruch Dopelt, Yossi Bilus, Uri Sklaar, and Dr. Robert Goldman.
  

       The Hollywood movie formula is pretty much the same. So many people have seen this scenario at one point or another, whether on flat screen, the computer, or even on their iphones: Two people are having an adulterous affair when the husband walks into the house. The adulterer jumps off the couch and hides behind the curtain. The audience wonders if he’s going to get caught as the wife tries to divert his attention from where the other man is hiding.
The husband is hungry, having not eaten after a long day at work, decides to nibble on the berries that he finds by the window sill. The adulterer see’s this and jumps out from where he was hiding, grabbing the berries from the husbands hand.
Apparently the berries were poisonous
Why did the adulterer save him?
Did he feel guilty and even feel a little remorse?
Perhaps he now feels, hey! I saved your life so as compensation your wife is mine.
Or perhaps there’s a different reason…
This scenario is not a Hollywood contraption; it’s actually a Gemara found at the end of tractate Nedarim.
The Gemara seems to indicate that the adulterer is not really an adulterer; after all why would he save him?
Isn’t it the best interest of the adulterer to have the husband dead?
“Perhaps not” Rava says and introduces us to a very interesting concept found all through our holy books.
MAYIM G’NIVIM NIMTAKU- stolen waters are sweet
Rava teaches us that the adulterer wants to keep the husband alive so that the affair with his wife would be exciting. Otherwise it wouldn’t be pleasurable.
Rav Chaim Shmuelevitz takes a similar story one step further stating that there are people would testify in court that the husband is alive even though he’s really dead. They want to create a pseudo adulterous environment as they make advances on  the wife
Rav Chaim was puzzled about this; “the person testifying knows he’s dead! How can he say he’s alive and derive pleasure?
He wants to create an imaginary married woman because ‘stolen waters are sweeter’.

One can find the story quite bazaar, to say the least, one would think, hey, there are many desperados out there. Or perhaps one might think the dude’s who think like that are sicko’s.

It’s a mind boggling thought that one can go to such an extreme!!

The Talmud hints this idea again in a difficult Gemara found in Sanhedrin (75). It’s funny, though, many in our day and age have had  infatuations over girls, however the Talmud seems to indicate that on rare occasions an  innocent crush could lead to devastating  results:
Again I paraphrase:
Someone has eyes on a woman and desires her and it seems like it’s having a serious psychological impact on his health. He becomes terribly sick as result of his infatuation to a point where death is imminent.
How can we save him?
Can we allow him to have relations with her?
No.
Can we allow the woman to undress before him so he can be satisfied and then cured?
The answer is no.
Can we allow him to speak to her behind a partitioner perhaps he would be satiated and be cured?
The answer is no.
Because of modesty laws we cannot degrade our Jewish girls.
So the Gemara asks a question.
Why doesn’t he simply just marry her? …..That will cure him!
The Gemara answers “It wouldn’t help, he would not receive the high caliber pleasure needed to quench his desire and recuperate from the psychological damage because, as his wife, she is permitted to him. Once she is permitted the pleasure is not as strong.
Better he die then to sin.

Why is the Talmud in various places insinuating that a married woman or someone who is not permissible is more desirable then one who is single?
What allure does a married woman have?
Perhaps this next story in the prophets will shed some light.

King Shlomo the smartest man that ever lived…..

       King Solomon was the smartest man who ever lived. When his father, King David, was on his deathbed, he instructed his son, Shlomo, to use his own discretion (to kill) in dealing with Shimi ben Gera, who cursed the King (David) many years before. The verbal offensive remark by Shimi against the king is punishable by death, but for reasons undisclosed at that time, David did not act.  After the death of his father, King Solomon summoned Shimi ben Gera and instructed him not to leave the boundaries of Jerusalem or he will be killed. ‘Build a house, learn Torah within the walls of the city; live your life till old age in Jerusalem. But don’t step outside the city or else’. Pretty easy, huh?  We learn that it was extremely difficult for Shimi to stay in the confines of Jerusalem and to keep the arrangement, which Shlomo mapped out. Eventually he crossed the line and the King ordered his execution
 Rav Chaim Shmuelevitz asks, ‘I don’t understand, why Shimi ben Gera couldn’t keep this simple arrangement? He was a very intelligent G-d fearing man. Plus, I know families that haven’t left Jerusalem for seven generations”. Many of us have relatives who have not left Israel and have no desire to leave anytime soon. It’s mind boggling how he wasn’t able to keep such a simple command’.

Apparently, man was born with an instinct to rebel, to break barriers and even a desire for imaginary barriers. Dr. Robert Goldman, psychologist for Chofetz Chaim Yeshiva, quotes Rav Volve, ‘Man’s nature strives for independence. He has an attitude ‘just to prove I don’t have to listen to you’ and they constantly create a situation to rebel. Ever wonder why some people violate Shabbat even though it’s clear in the Torah of the grave consequences; subconsciously they say ‘let’s see if I can get away with it’.
Dr. Goldman read a survey where bosses that married their secretaries, after a number of years, most relationships broke off. He mentions very often interest is lost in many of the cases. The relation, being now permissible, took all the fun out. He says it’s “the same when a couple move in together out of wedlock only to break up after they tie the knot. Why? On a sub-conscience level they’re rebelling against society, rebelling against the norm of getting married feels good.
In this week’s parsha, Ki Teitzei, we learn if a man goes to war and captures a woman from the enemy and desires her, and the Jewish soldier wants to take her home with him (prized stolen waters), the Torah permits him to do so but puts provisions; she has to shave her head, grow her nails long, and not see her parents for a period of time. Apparently, the Torah knows man will not be able to withstand the desire. Therefore, the Torah with it’s wisdom, tries to defuse ‘the forbidden fruits’ by making it legal, but with a few minor conditions. Apparently, the Torah believes that when the pressure subsides and the soldier doesn’t feel the rebellious streak, the desire for her will go away.

       Television was a big influence on our generation in America. Even more so were the commercials where so many of us fell to our knees and swallowed the Kool-Aid.

A friend mentioned how he once, at age fourteen, went, incognito, to the fast food non kosher hamburger restaurant, famous for its very appetizing commercials. Years ago fast food restaurants advertised very heavily and successfully. My friend bought a burger and quickly snuck in a very empty movie theater so no one can see him and ate it. I remember back then, him telling me how incredible it was.
However I asked him later in life how was that hamburger?
Do you recall the incident with the hamburger? I asked.
He said it was nothing special. It was just the fact that he wasn’t allowed to eat it, that made him feel the excitement.

The feeling of rebelliousness gives a person a sense of satisfaction.
         How many readers out there feel that their class was the worst behaved class ever? ‘What we did to that school, boy, were they glad to get rid of us. You know we left a mark’. It’s nice to feel your class was the worst in the history of the world, isn’t it?
There is a famous question……
       Which is harder….a person not commanded to do a mitzvah and does it anyway or a person who is commanded to do a mitzvah and does it? The answer is simple; a person who is commanded has the greater challenge since he now has the extra struggle of holding back from rebelling.
So after all this it seems we have build in us the tendency to rebel. Yet we were brought up believing that every Jewish soul is pure. Deep down inside all we want to do is good. This is in contrast to the rebellious streak in all of us…So which is it?
There seems to be a contradicting message. Rebellious streak or pure soul?
The Mystics say there is an extreme importance in saying the first blessing mentioning Avraham, Yitzchak and Yaakov in the Amida, which is considered the most important passage in prayer we have.
Man lost his purity as the result of the sin of eating from the tree. Through their experiences our three fathers Avraham, Yitzchak, and Yaakov brought back a degree of that pure soul.  They instilled it into our spiritual DNA.
Throughout our lives we are in constant battle between the rebellious nature and the pure soul.
King Solomon knew human nature the minute you put barriers on someone or tell him not to do something, the task becomes harder, even to a man as great as Shimi.
Shimi was not able to dig in deep and connect to the pure soul of our forefathers thereby succumbing to a rebellious streak
 David didn’t kill Shimi because he foresaw from divine knowledge that in the future he will produce children and from them the great Mordechai will come out. He therefore commanded Shlomo his son to implement the plan that would lead to his demise. This occurred after he gave birth to the future Tzadik Mordechai.

The Different Aspects of Desire

July 28, 2013 Jewish Values No comments
   

After I spoke at an event, I was approached by someone who asked me how he can take away the hurt that was inflicted by a young lady friend of his. After revealing some of the things the young lady did, I said “Well, she’s not a friend anymore.” In actuality, after hearing the story, I don’t think she should have ever been his friend. He tells me he doesn’t know why he desired her so much. That reminded me of what Rabbi Isaak Olbaum said a number of weeks ago on the subject of desire.            He said the Torah is very selective in how it uses the various versions of the word “desire.” For example, when a soldier goes to war and sees a beautiful captive enemy “and he desires her”. The word the Torah uses is VE CHASHAKTA BA and he desires her, and you want to take her for a wife. Later after the soldier returns from the emotional state of war to a more familiar and calmer environment, the scripture continues. “And after you took her for a wife and then you don’t desire her…”. Here the Torah uses another word for desire, CHAFAXTA. What’s the difference? CHASHAKTA means desire without logic. There is no real reason why he desires her other than a certain illogical attraction. CHAFAXTA on the other hand is wanting it because…… There is a logical reason for the “desire.” Here, he is making a rational decision.

We find something similar when the Torah tells us of Shechem who raped Yaakov’s daughter, Dina. CHASHAKTA NAFSHO BE BIETCHEM – his soul desired your daughter. Then the scripture writes that he desired her because she was Yaacov’s daughter. Here it uses the word CHAFAXTA. At first, Shechem desired her just for attraction purposes. Apparently the Torah describes this attraction as “an attraction with no legs to stand on.” Meaning, it’s not going to last. However, after finding out who she is, Shechem desired her; he had a reason for his desire. She was Yaakov’s daughter.

There are many occasions in which people are attracted to people; however this attraction has no legs to stand on. At the end, many of us get hurt; sometimes really hurt. Emotions are hard to overcome. If one has a measly fighting chance, it would be trying to use “logic” and to ask themselves “why am I attracted to this person?” Is it CHASHAKTA or CHAFAXTA? However, it’s not always so simple, even when one knows this person is not right for them, they may still have a strong, emotional, illogical desire. It’s scary to admit; it’s scary to think that desire is uncontrollable. We have to make it our business to fight it with logic.