Tag Archive for Fear

Do not covet your neighbor’s house, wife, car and state of the art barbecue grill

February 5, 2015 Uncategorized No comments

This article was constructed with the help of either writings, lectures or shiurim of Rabbi’s  Pinchas Winston,  Yossi Bilus, Yissachar Frand, Noach Isaac Oelbaum     and Dr. Abba Goldman

The tenth of the Asserret HaDibrot [“Ten Commandments”] is Lo Tachmod: “Do not covet your neighbor’s house; do not covet your neighbor’s wife, nor his slave, his donkey, his ox, or anything that belongs to your neighbor” [Shmot 20:13]. A person is not allowed to be jealous of his friend’s possessions.

There are three categories of expression — thought, speech and deed. In Jewish tradition, controlling one’s actions is the simplest level of self-control and observance. Speech is a little harder. Thought, such an internal, personal level of expression, is the hardest of all.

How is it possible to control one’s desires? It’s even more mindboggling that one would be violating the Torah if he is jealous of his friend’s purchase of a brand new car. Does that translate to us receiving severe punishment for the feeling? After all it’s a Torah violation and those are strict!! How can the Torah legislate against a person’s desires? It is very natural for a person driving a jalopy to be jealous of a person who has a new car and does not have to worry about leaking oil and whether the car will start each time he turns the key in the ignition.

If this is readily understandable in terms of our neighbor’s car, it is certainly understandable in terms of more meaningful things in life. We see other’s children more obedient, successful and perhaps accepting Jewish values more readily. Our perception is that our neighbors are living in bliss, happily married, while we look at our marriage as difficult. We see our neighbor’s families, we see their position, etc. How does the Torah command a person not to be jealous?

Granted, we learned in Torah 101 (beginner’s class) that desiring what others have is wrong. Everyone is tailor-made for his lot in life. G-d gives each one of us what we need materialistically and whom – wife, children, etc. (or lack of) – to make us better people. However that feeling, of desiring what our neighbor’s have, although diminished because of our Torah knowledge, is still apparent. What is the antidote so that we don’t desire other’s possessions, spouses etc.?

To be eighteen again is a wonderful thought. You have that youthful strength and energy but are now considered an adult though, by and large, you’re still supported by your fairly young parents. As a matter of fact, I’ve asked many men “What was the best years of your life?” and most guys of middle age, pointed to when they were young adults, before marriage years. Not that marriage is bad but it adds a huge responsibility of making a living – one might even label it the curse of Adam-ZE’AT APEHA-sweat of your brow.

A group of young adults were enjoying a cold wintery Sunday afternoon at Central Park when one of the young men spotted an attractive girl on the other side of the frozen lake. Being that age, when feelings for girls are at full bloom and difficult to control, the young man expressed his desire to put on his skates, which he had in his dufflebag so he could skate across the lake to meet that girl. Very often at that age one takes risks to satisfy one’s new found desires and tend to leap into situations, negating the danger involved, and so that’s exactly what he did.

As the young man was zooming half way across the lake, anticipating his conquest, he noticed a hole in the ice which he couldn’t manage to avoid and fell into the icy water. He immediately scraped at the ice with all his might; his life hanging in the balance.

From this parable we see the antidote for desire. As the young man anticipates his unfortunate doom, does he still have the desire for the girl across the lake? Fear has instantly grabbed this boy’s emotions. With the element of fear the young man sees, however briefly, the situation a bit more different and perhaps a bit more clearer. Gone is the desire; regret has set in. As a matter of fact, the word for fear in Hebrew is the same as the word for seeing – yireh. One sees with clarity; his perceptions are magnified when in fear. Perhaps, for this reason it is written in the Torah:
Now, Israel, what does G-d, your G-d, ask of you? Only to fear G-d, your G-d … (Devarim 10:12) These words are a central part of Moshe, our leader’s farewell address to the Jewish people on the last day of his life

The Talmud reiterates this point:

All is in the hands of Heaven except fear of Heaven, as it says, “Now, Israel, what does G-d, your G-d, ask of you? Only to fear ….” (Devarim 10:12) … Rebi Chanina said in the name of Rebi Shimon bar Yochai: The Holy One, Blessed is He, only has fear of G-d in His storehouse, as it says, “Fear of G-d is His storehouse” (Yeshayahu 33:6). (Brochot 33b)
Why is fear so important? Is it possible to manufacture fear? Ba’al Peor, one of the leading idols that people worshiped in Biblical times because of its rebellious streak against natural society (one would defecate on the idol), actually originated as a fear religion. When one is in tremendous fear what very frequently happens is loss of control of one’s bowel. This is how they worshiped their idol; by emotionally manufacturing the fear element.
Does one create that feeling when his neighbor’s child gives birth to a baby boy and he’s jealous? That’s insane!!
In order to understand how fear works let us examine a key element how we became a nation.

There were two people who led the Jewish midwives in going against Pharaoh’s orders of murdering the Jewish babies. Yocheved and Miriam possessed many beautiful character traits including, faith in G-d, kindness, an unwavering belief in a better future and courage in the face of adversity. But none of these traits is mentioned in the Torah. Instead the text tells us: “…it was because the midwives feared G-d that He made them houses” (Shemos 1:21) and “…the midwives feared G-d and they did not do as the king of Egypt spoke to them, and they caused the boys to live” (Shemos 1:17).

The “houses” – G-d’s reward to the midwives for their perfect fear of Him -were the dynasties of Priests (Kehunah) and Levites (Leviah) who served in the Temple, as well as Kings (Malchut), including the House of King David, for Yocheved and Miriam, respectively. Why is “fear of G-d” seen as the source of the midwives’ behavior and why is it considered so fundamental to the Jewish greatness they embody?

Our sages tell us that when a person leaves this world, G-d asks him six questions including, “were you honest in business, did you study Torah, did you wait for the Messiah?” If a person is on the level that he can truly respond “yes” to all six questions, he is then asked, “were you G-d-fearing?” If he says “no,” he is told that all six previous answers are worthless without the fear of G-d. This seems somewhat bewildering. Why are six accomplishments insignificant in the face of this one specific failure?

It’s important to add another element in order to truly understand the definition of fear. Let us examine the story of Avimelech, the king of Gerar who kidnapped Sarah, the wife of Avraham, our forefather, for himself after being told by Avraham that she was only his sister.
However, before he could lay a hand on her, G-d spoke to him and revealed her true status, which shook Avimelech up when he realized how close he had come to committing adultery. However, in his defense the Torah writes:

Avimelech had not approached her, so he said, “G-d, will you slay a nation even though it is righteous?” (Bereishis 20:4)
Righteous? How could he have called himself or his nation righteous? Even had Sarah really been Avraham’s sister, did she consent to being taken by Avimelech? Had Avraham agreed to her abduction? As Avraham later told an upset Avimelech, he had lied about Sarah:

“Because I said, `There is but no fear of G-d in this place and they will kill me because of my wife’.” (Bereishis 20:11)
But, how did Avraham know this? What had he seen during his short stay in such a booming metropolis that indicated to him that all that was missing from such an advanced place was yireh Shamayaim-fear of G-d?
This is what Rashi says Avraham asked Avimelech:

When a stranger arrives in a city, do people ask him about what he would like to eat or to drink, or do they ask him about his wife? (Rashi, Bereishis 20:11).
In other words, Avraham reproved Avimelech by saying:

“If your people are going to ask me about anything at all, it should be about my needs. If they ask about my relationship to the woman accompanying me, then it is evident that they are not G-d-fearing people! G-d-fearing people act in a Godly manner, and if they do not, then you know they will do whatever they want to achieve their own goals, including kill me for my wife.”
Thus, according to Rashi, it is fear of G-d that allows one to put the requirements of others before their own personal needs. Hence the verse, regarding Yocheved and Miriam, says:

The midwives feared G-d, and disobeyed the king of Egypt, saving the children. (Shemos 1:17)
This is the underlying reason it explicitly stated that the mid-wives feared G-d!!
However what does the fear of G-d have to do with doing good to others? One of the key elements in fearing G-d is respect for his creation. This is perfectly illustrated by this parable:

When the king’s son is amongst the people everybody will give him the utmost respect because if not, it will be reported to the king. Then they will pay the consequences. He can be the biggest brat and still the people have to treat him in the most delicate way. Everyone is born with a mission in life and has the stamp of the king. The fear of the heavens will keep your relationships in check and your eyes to yourself. Your friends and neighbors are the King’s children. As long as we have fear of the heavens then there will be clarity, a vision untainted by desires.

Hence, what transpires is that if one has fear of G-d he will eventually have respect for his fellow man. There will be no jealousy out of fear. That covers both sides of the 10 commandments. One through five, the first side, is between man and G-d. Six to ten is between Man and his relationship with his fellow man.
For this reason G-d proclaimed “Now, Israel, what does G-d, your G-d, ask of you? Only to fear ….”

Our freedom is very important

January 8, 2015 parshat Shemot No comments

This article was constructed with the help of either writings, lectures or shiurim of Rabbi’s  Noach Isaac Oelbaum, Baruch Dopelt, Yossi Bilus,Yissachar Frand, Yaakov Menken  Dr. Abba Goldman.

Freedom is beloved!! Freedom is exhilarating!! Freedom is reassuring!!  Freedom is what this great big country is based on. Freedom is the Democratic philosophy in which Israel is so strategically beloved in Middle East region by the United States. That’s the conman thread between Israel and countries practicing democracy. 
 
 
In today’s world, we are rightfully very preoccupied with obtaining our rights and freedoms. We want to be free to pursue our priorities, live according to our convictions, and pursue what makes us happy. We don’t want anyone limiting us or imposing on us his concept of how we should live. These are our entitlements as human beings, and no one should have the right to take them from us. We have rights. This is the first thing we learn in grade school.
 Unfortunately when our rights as humans are violated it can change how these victims perceive the world and act toward each other. We learn a very important lesson from this week’s parsha. When Moshe wanted to plant the seeds of freedom, the Israelites did not even pay attention to Moshe’s second speech of “I’m taking you out” because of “KOTZER RUACH’ – shortness of spirit. Dr. Abba Goldman – Psychologist at Yeshiva Chaffetz Chaim explains their reaction is the result of the effects of slavery. Pharaoh carefully designed a full proof system to reassure them to always be subordinate. Always be afraid and never answer back.  He implanted the roots of a slave mentality. “What is the “slave mentality”?
 
FEAR
One aspect of “slave mentality” is to be afraid of the people on top.
“Does the government fear us? Or do we fear the government? When the people fear the government, tyranny(Arbitrary or unrestrained exercise of power; despotic abuse of authority)
 has found victory. The federal government is our servant, not our master!”
Fearing authority is the direct result of being persecuted by governments. Egypt was the prototype of such authority. Today, any migration from an oppressed government proves those people being fearful of authority as opposed to people who grew up in democracy where people are not afraid to voice their opinion.
 Furthermore, ever wonder why the Jews complained that they had it so good  in Egypt. They were persecuted and harassed and often, annoyingly, they would praise their way of life in that oppressed country. 
 
UN-WARRANTED SECURITY
   Slaves are provided with rations so that they can work. The Egyptians made sure that they had food. What do the Israelites remember? They remember only that they were cared for there and provided for. The fact that they were getting slave rations is for some reason overlooked. But when they find themselves hungry with no means of provision, they are immediately lost. Like a child without his mother, they simply cry. A simple need unfulfilled is a crisis for the slave.
It would seem that the mind of the slave is limited to these narrow horizons of immediate material fulfillment. The slave lives for the moment. He does not have the luxury of planning the future; his role is simply to survive the present. The hallmarks of the slave generation which is leaving Egypt can be felt throughout the next few parshiot. G-d does not lead the Israelites “by way of the Land of the Pelishtim although it was nearer, for G-d said, ‘If they encounter war, the people may have a change of heart and return to Egypt'” (13:17-18). The people still see Egypt as a protective secure environment. They need the security; they need its order and comforting predictability. Egypt is an environment where decisions are made for them, where they know the rules of life. In the outside world, they are lacking in confidence.
They are slaves in other senses too. The Ibn Ezra (14:13) asks: why did the Israelites not fight the Egyptians when they were attacked at the Red Sea? After all, the Israelites numbered six hundred thousand fighting men, a considerable force. He answers:
“The Egyptians were masters to the Israelites. Exodus generation was accustomed from the youngest age to suffer under the yoke of Egyptian oppression. Their spirit was broken. How could they stand up and fight their masters… after all they were inexperienced in the art of war…”
The result of this slave mentality will be certain instability within the national mood of the people. They are fickle. One moment they can be uplifted by the soaring euphoria of the miracle at the Red Sea and the next minute, all has been forgotten; they might as well be back in Egypt. 
When crisis hits, the people panic and all the theological truths disappear as if into thin air.
 Why did G-d decide that the Israelites face the Egyptians head on?
   G-d’s intention was not to save Israel from war and undue fear but precisely the opposite: To drag them into an immediate confrontation with their former masters, and to achieve final, total independence at the Red Sea. The Jews had already been physically liberated from Egypt; now the time had come to free them spiritually and emotionally.
This liberation would come through witnessing the final downfall of the power that had until now made an almost lasting mark upon their souls as the nation before whom all nations trembled. Two hundred and ten years of slavery to a nation so dominant that until now no slave had ever escaped had to leave its mark. Even if the Jews were permitted to leave, they would do so with a great regard for Egypt’s power. They would look up to the Egyptians, not perhaps for their “kind treatment” of their slaves, but for their world-dominance as a military power.
 
BOOM, SPLASH!! Egypt has been defeated. Dead soldiers floating in the sea…
  Now, since the Jews have witnessed G-d’s hand and the Egyptian demise, what’s now? It’s their task, their mission to revolutionize their way of thinking. How do they undo their “slave mentality’?  It’s a tremendous undertaking to change one’s Philosophy of life. This is their test, both as a nation and on a personal level. However, it’s an enormous and difficult task. 
  Regardless of the psychological difficult road of changing one’s way of thinking, they are free!! They have tasted the sweetness of not having a master…… But wait!! 
BUT WAIT!!  ARE WE FREE?!!!  In parshat [Vayera 7:26] 

“And G-d said to Moshe, ‘go to Pharoah, and say to him, “thus says G-d ‘LET MY PEOPLE GO…….and they will serve Me.”     
What are we free to do? To serve G-d!   That’s freedom?
  The commandments of the Torah, with 613 mandatory and prohibited acts, with countless restrictions and sub-restrictions upon behavior, consumption of foods, sexual activity — “you name it, Judaism wants to control it” — is repressive, restrictive, limiting. And this is the vision of Judaism which many of us have.
The Torah itself is uncompromising. Pesach is called “the time of our liberation,” not “the time of exchanging one master for Another”.
 
When the Jews stood at Mount Sinai and Moshe came down with the tablets containing the Ten Commandments. The verse is described in an interesting way “And the tablets were made by G-d, and the writing was G-d’s writing, engraved (Heb. Chorut) on the tablets.” (Exodus 32:16). Our sages (Chapters of the fathers 6:2) comment on this “do not read ‘chorut’ ‘engraved,’ but rather ‘chairut,’ ‘freedom,’ for no one else is free but he who occupies himself in Torah learning.” The words ‘Chorut’ and ‘Chairut’ are spelled the same way with different vocalization. 
Rabbi Yehoshuah ben Levi says in the Chapters of the Fathers 62, “there is no free man like the one who is involved with the study of Torah.”
In the Declaration of Independence, Thomas Jefferson wrote that we have rights, such as the famous “Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.”
 
If Liberty is supposed to make it possible for us to be happy, than the Torah’s “freedom” seems to serve the purpose very well. Those who visit an active observant Jewish community do not find a restricted, shackled people, but one where sharing, generosity, and happiness are the order of the day. There was actually a Los Angeles Times survey that discovered that residents of religious communities were significantly more likely to describe themselves as “happy.”  How can this be? What is the vision of “freedom” that the Torah gives us?
 
In the Chapters of the Fathers 428, Rabbi Elazar HaKappar says “jealousy, lust and honor remove a person from the world.” What does this mean? One explanation is that these things color a person’s vision. Instead of dealing with the “real world,” he or she instead sees the world from a distorted perspective. And, of course, this unrealistic perspective limits the person, preventing him or her from doing things which otherwise would be entirely possible and appropriate. The victim is shackled, regardless of his or her self-perception. He’s a slave to society.
In other words, it is very easy to be a slave to our desires, and emotions. How many people in the free world are drowning in debt because they are literally slaves to their desires for material things? How many people are slaves to anger and other emotions, which cause them to act in destructive and regrettable ways? How many people have a gambling, sexual or any addiction? At the end of the day that person, briefly, wakes up and cries “Oh! What did I do?! Another day wasted. It is even possible to be a slave to an ideal that leads a person to ruination. 
Rabbi Oelbaum says that the fundamental importance of the Torah is to enable us to overcome and do the opposite of our nature, to break the one aspect of our personality that we have a tough time overcoming. This is the primary goal of life.
Perhaps this is what G-d intended when approaching the nations and asking, are you ready to accept for real, and therefore you would have to eradicate stealing or murder or whatever weakness one has.
Rav Eliyahu Lopian teaches an important awareness of freedom of choice. This is an important aspect of man. However, one should know the definition of freedom of choice is not that one can do whatever he wants. If that was so, what is man’s superiority over animals? They too can do whatever they want. The definition of freedom of choice is that he’s able to choose himself and go against his nature, against his natural instincts and animals cannot do this.
The Torah, if studied correctly enables us to be free “Cherut”. It enables us to break away from slavery of the natural animal instinct. The Torah prepares us for proper freedom, the way man, not animal, is supposed to be free. 

Measure For Measure

August 26, 2013 Kibud Av/ Honoring Parents No comments

 

   

 

 

Germany in the 1930’s was known as a very cultural society. The Jews of Germany were so in love with its elegance, grace and blah blah blah that they considered themselves Germans first and Jews second; sounds familiar? One may wonder how can a society like that can turn to be cruel, brutal, and barbaric, which no one has seen in the history of mankind?

 

 

We read a few weeks ago after the miraculous crossing of the sea by our ancestors, that “they saw”, then “they feared”, then “they believed”. It seems like fear is part of the equation. Fear is part and parcel of belief. However, fear and religion – according to American taste – doesn’t get many brownie points. It’s not a popular word when associated with religion. In fact, I’m not going to title this article with that “word” in it. Hey, I got to sell this, don’t I? Americans like a slow song guitar playing spiritual orah, kumsitz style; or getting the spiritual high from appreciating the good things in life, like a good kiddush, a good meal combined with some good Torah learning. Personally, I’m all for that and that’s how I feel one can grow through the appreciation of all the wonderful things G-d has given us. However, we have to have a little fear; little just a little. I’d like to explain this through the following story. Although it’s a bit crude, it makes an effective point.

 

 

There was a father and son who had a nice relationship. At age 5, the boy got a racing car from his father. A number of years later, the boy received a bicycle for his birthday. After borrowing the family car too many times, the father decided to get a second vehicle and the boy ceremoniously declared it his. As time marched on, the son got married and had kids. The father, in the meantime, reaches an age where health is an issue and the doctor visits are more frequent. Years later, the son has to accompany the father to the medical facilities. It seems like the father has reached an age where he can’t take care of himself and the son has to put him into a home. The insurance doesn’t cover everything; it’s Medicare. However, the son and the father have some money saved up.

 

 

In today’s times, people live longer than in the past and the father has survived a good number of years at the home but the cost is a bit expensive and the family resources ran out. Therefore, he had to move back in with the son. He received plastic plates while the rest of the family was eating on the nice porcelain because of the possibility of him breaking it. It was very hard; the father became irritable and the son just the same.

 

 

One day, the son, although carefully planned, had an idea. He said to his father “Father, we’re going on a trip, you and me”. He takes him for a long ride on top of this huge mountain. After a nice walk, they get to the edge of the cliff. Just then, as he’s ready to push his father off the cliff, he notices his father smiling. He says to himself, my father is a very smart man. Let me ask him about his reaction. “Father I know you know why I brought you here, why are you smiling?” The father replied, “Because I did the same thing to my father”.

 

 

The son didn’t go through with the plan because of the fear of measure for measure in which his children will react the same.

 

A person can be educated, be cultured, and have elegance and class, but when G-d puts him in an extremely difficult predicament, he can turn into the cruelest animal one cannot even imagine. The one attribute that will prevent him from going to the extreme behavior mode is fear. The son was ready to kill his father out of frustration, but held himself back because of fear of measure for measure. What’s the expression? What goes around comes around.

 

Parshat Va’etchanan

May 5, 2013 Highlights on the Weekly Parsha, Uncategorized No comments

“A Cup of Coffee 

 

&

A Quick Thought”

 

 
Steaming Cup of Coffee
Spark Of Jewish Experience
 
 Va’etchanan

August 11, 2011
11 Av, 5771
Dear Friends,

 

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In This Issue
Is Fear Good or Bad? – Parshat Va’etchanan
Road Rage
Is There a Problem With Eating Fish and Cheese Together?

 Is Fear Good or Bad? – Parshat Va’etchanan
 Fear of G-d

 

In this week’s parsha, similar to many in the book of Devarim, Moshe reflects on some important points in the first forty years of a young nation. He reviews some of the triumphs, shortcomings, and the encounters, which the Israelites experienced in the desert. One of the encounters was the evil Idol worship Ba’al Peor.

In our previous discussions (Balak newsletter), we mentioned that in order to participate in worshiping this idol, one has to relieve himself in front of the idol. The reasoning behind this despicable act is to rebel against the values of society (idol worship was mainstream) and to destroy any form of order in which G-d and mankind has to offer.

Apparently, the Ba’al Peor inception initially was an entirely different philosophy than the popular anti-establishment defiant act, worship or however one wants to describe it. The original idea was to feel so fearful in front of Ba’al Peor, to the extent, that one loses all control of his bowels. Apparently, when human beings are afraid of something they have an urge to relieve themselves. Ever wonder why one has to go after being scared or experiencing anxieties? The philosophy of most pagenistic societies, in that period of time, was of ‘angry G-ds had to be appeased’ and that society is afraid of them; by losing control of ones’ bowels one has served their G-d well.

One has to wonder what the Torah perspective of fear is. Is fear good? The Torah commands us to fear G-d. Is fear bad (fear of life)?

Dr. Goldman, psychologist at Yeshiva Chofetz Chaim, mentions the Torah requires us to be afraid only of G-d (and to a certain extent, parents and teachers). He points out that perhaps by fearing only G-d, it can have a tremendous benefit on us. ‘You see’ he says,  ‘One can be a lot more assertive in his everyday life with this mindset; it will, in effect, make it easier to reach goals otherwise unattainable because of broadening fear to man. He will not be timid and tremble in front of people; he will be able to make oral presentations to his corporate bigwigs at work with ease because he knows that everything comes from G d; Hakadosh Baruch Hu is responsible; I fear only Him and not the grouchy boss or hot-tempered moody neighbor’. Man is just the messenger of G-d; the dog bites the stick when being hit, not realizing it’s the master who is the one who is inflicting the beating; so don’t be scared of the bully.

Apparently, it seems like the original Ba’al Peor worshipers had a certain pleasure in getting scared out of their wits. Seemingly, this falls in perfectly with today’s society; remember the popularity of Freddy Krueger and the Friday the 13th series, Frankenstein, Boris Karloff (no, he’s not Bukharian), and Hannibal Lector? Why do some people enjoy fear? Dr. Neil Levey says society is bored with their mundane life ‘so they flirt with fear’. So maybe that’s one reason why Peor was so popular.

Basically, our sages teach us to channel the fear to the Al-Mighty but one may ask ‘how can one reach a level of fearing G-d?’ Dr. Goldman continues, ‘It’s important to establish a relationship with Him through prayer and share with Him your happy news as well as your fears.’ By focusing on prayer and conveying every aspect of your life, it will strengthen the bond between G-d and yourself and will develop feelings such as fear, love, awe, and respect. Even though one might think it’s one-sided at first, he should still try it, and one will be surprised at the outcome. Unfortunately, prayer today for many, has become monotonic lip service, so one has to make it more meaningful.

Rabbi Baruch Dopelt is bothered by a pasuk, ‘serve G-d with happiness and fear’; it seems to contradict each other. Perhaps this famous pasuk will shed some light (we all know the song) ‘oseh shalom bimromav…if He (G-d) can make peace in the heavens (between fire and water), surely He too will make peace between us….’. The question is asked, how can you make peace between fire and water, two opposites? The answer is in the heavens. There is only olam ha’emet (world of truth) and both fire and water recognize and fear G-d to the highest degree because they see the truth without distortion; they’re able to co-exist. We too have to explore our inner self and find the truth without any distortion and we’ll develop a true fear exclusively for G-d.

Road Rage
 road rage

One morning earlier this week, while I was driving, a speeding vehicle buzzed past my car and the driver screamed, ‘Jew!!’ It was unexpected, so I jumped. Obviously, the driver’s intention was to purely shock and agitate me, and he accomplished his mission. What was surprising about the incident was my reaction. Instinctively, I was about to press on the acceleration pedal and ram my old jalopy 1996 Toyota Camry into him. Those brief moments were filled with startled surprise to anger (how dare you!!). Seconds later, I came to my senses realizing I have a kippa on my head and I have to live up to a certain dignified standard. Also, why would I want this low-life in my life for any extended period; the few seconds that he was in view was enough. I hope with G-d’s help to never see him again. Lastly, I have a busy life as is, so I don’t need the headaches.

But to think the most scariest and disappointing notion is that for those few seconds, I was tempted to violently react in the most horrific way. For those brief moments, I was not in control. I can’t help but think that if the scenario was slightly different and he would have agitated me a bit longer or if I had a rough morning before, would I have acted on those initial impulses?

Understandably, a kippa reminds oneself about the pride and control that we must adhere to. After all, this is one of the primary lessons we learn in Yeshiva – control. However, what about protecting our pride and the pride of our people?  Should we just be a bunch of wimps and not react?

We asked Dr. Goldman, Psychologist at Yeshiva Chofetz Chaim, on how does he explain road rage. He says we first have to understand what makes us so defensive and tempted to react. The Doctor explains that the anger reaction stems from pride; the ego has been hurt. We have to learn from King David; when David ran away, Shimi ben Gera insulted him and he did not react right away. David didn’t allow road rage to take the better of him. This is a person who was able to control himself for this moment. He didn’t give an immediate irrational response. Apparently, it was very difficult for him to control himself, but he nevertheless did.

The Zohar mentions that King David had similar desires (yetzer hara) as did Eisav (Jacob’s brother and rival). Therefore, the sages compare them; both had tendencies to spill blood, they both pursued married women. They both were redheads and presumably had tempers, and both were leaders. The primary difference between them however, and what the Torah emphasizes is CONTROL.

Dr. Goldman mentions one has to believe and say ‘I can take these insults; I’m okay, I’m not less of a person than I was before the insults’. It would be a sign of insecurity if one would let it get to him. Ah, but the kids are watching as I’m being insulted, I shouldn’t react?  The good doctor says one should handle the insults with dignity, then the kids will respect you. You’re not a baby, don’t let it bother you. If they see that you are not bothered and affected by those insults, they will respect you more. The notion of the ‘American cowboy’, I’ll take care of him at the ‘OK Carrel’ is nonsense. One has to understand, one can lose everything in one moment. Is it worth it?

This past year, there were 1200 injuries and 300 serious injuries; some of which fatalities cases of road rage. Apparently, it’s a cause for concern because the numbers are rising yearly; although, tempers and egos might be difficult to contain at a split second notice. Rav Yitzhak Aminov quotes Rav Yisroel Salanter who teaches us to review daily Mussar books (Jewish self-help books) on chapters pertaining to the character traits that you believe you’re weak in. One would be surprised what the sub-conscious mind absorbs; it just might save your life. One of the most famous quotes pertaining to road rage is ‘you never learn how to swear until you learn to drive’.

Is There a Problem With Eating Fish and Cheese Together?
 tuna melt sandwich

One morning many years ago, I was at a catered affair of a Brit Milah (circumcision of an 8 day old boy). I was about to sink my teeth into a delicious bagel with lox and cream cheese, which I  prepared with some tremendous effort, when someone approached me and said ‘you’re not allowed to have cheese and fish together according to Jewish law’. I retorted back, saying, “I never heard of such a law’ and proceeded to have my sandwich. A little while after the incident, I came across others who also did not eat the two together. Over the last number of years, I heard many contradicting reports on the subject. I think it would be a good idea to clarify a few points on this topic before we disregard the melted cheese on the flounder.

Surprisingly, even our brothers who come from Ashkenazi countries have an issue with eating the two together. But apparently, there is some good news for those Parmesan baked tilapia fans. Well maybe, that depends on a few things.

Rabbi Yossef Cairo, the author of the Shulchan Aruch (main body of Jewish law), whom the Sephardim follow, writes that one should not eat fish and cheese together. However the Rama whom the Ashkenazim follow not only disagrees but claims that the Mechaber (the author as Rabbi Cairo is called) made a printing mistake and didn’t mean fish and cheese but meant fish and “meat”. He says it’s impossible that the Mechaber would say such a thing; it’s not logical. This is the source of the controversy. Although there are many Sephardic lawmakers who agree with the Rama; however there are those who hold by the text and will not combine. Some even say there is a health hazard eating fish and cheese together. Rabbi Eliyahu Ben Haim disagrees and says it’s perfectly okay and the health hazard does not apply today.

One should hold by their family tradition customs, if your ancestors did not eat then you should not do so either and if they did then enjoy the tuna melt. If one does not have any tradition, then follow your Rabbi. But there are definitely very good sources to be lenient.
Sincerely,
Rabbi Avi Matmon
Spark of Jewish Experience