This article was constructed with the help of either writings, lectures or shiurim of Rabbi’s,Yonnasan Zweig, Yisschar Frand, Berel Wein Dr. Abba Goldman
The crowd makes a difference
How significant is it to fit in, to be part of the crowd, to be in the inner circle. Do the readers remember a memorable article I wrote, a number of years ago, titled “men without country “where some of us feel they don’t belong anywhere? Many of us might argue we don’t need to be part of any particular group, especially where Americans cherish, and rightfully so, a degree of independence. The 1970’s embodied the “me” generation. Mind you, it was the “me” generation and not “us”.
In this week’s parshiot we discover something puzzling to many of us who don’t belong.
“…He shall dwell in isolation; his dwelling shall be outside the camp” (13:46)
The Torah teaches us that the Metzorah (“one being diseased,” with certain skin afflictions, collectively called tzara’at, that cause spiritual uncleanliness in the afflicted person.) must remain in isolation, away from human contact. The Talmud explains that a Metzora is guilty of anti-social behavior and therefore he is separated from society.
Nevertheless, there is an exception; Rashi tells us that a Kohen should not proclaim a newlywed a Metzora during his seven days of festivities, when a Jewish couple marries the first seven days. “The seven blessings” also known as birkot nissuin (Hebrew: ברכות נישואין), “the wedding blessings” in Jewish law are blessings that are recited for a bride and her groom as part of nissuin. In Jewish marriages there are two stages – betrothal (erusin) and establishing the full marriage (nissuin). These blessings are also recited as part of the week-long festivities celebrating the wedding; in most communities these festive meals occur during the week after the wedding- sheva brachot.
Why would we allow a newlywed to begin a relationship with his wife before he is cured from a behavior that will surely hamper this relationship?
In order to answer the question, one has to understand the significance of sheva brachot and for that matter – marriage.
In order to complete the bond between Man and Wife, there is a two-step process, Erusin and Nissuin.
It’s pretty obvious that Erusin comes from the same shoresh-root as ארשת שפתיו, which means speech or words; so, Erusin means “to give your word, to agree or to pledge to marry”. The agreement is made binding through the kinyan, and the woman becomes prohibited to all other men, but the essence is the promise. The word is identical with the English ‘Troth,’ which means ‘to promise or to pledge’. Erusin=betrothal. What does Nissuin mean?
It means “to become burdened,” from רחיים בצווארו, a millstone around the neck, an idiomatic expression used in the Gemara to refer to the responsibilities of marriage. There are other definitions of the word Nissuin. Marriage is a gift (מַשְׂאַת) from the Chatan to the Kalah, and from the Kalah to the Chatan, and from G-d to both of them; Marriage is an opportunity to elevate (כִּי תִשָּׂא) yoursel
So it seems marriage is a big responsibility and one who takes it upon himself to take the great big plunge, to suffer the full sting of the burden, which society is privileged and benefits since another family has been created, we are saying to him we are behind you!!!
Anti-social behavior is exhibited by a person who is unhappy with himself. When a person’s unhappiness stems from the feeling that he is unappreciated by society, he becomes depressed, and this can often lead to anti-social behavior. During the seven days of celebration following a wedding, the groom is given the elevated status of a King. The joy he experiences from this special attention serves to suppress any anti-social behavior which he may, under normal circumstances have exhibited. There is even the chance that the jubilance he feels could alter his behavior and transform his personality. By saying we are behind you; we are on your side; by making him feel important – we are giving him a vote of confidence. The sheva brachot meals have to be in the presence of ten men, an amount necessary to perform many of the Torah commandments; seemingly, perhaps the number consists of a significant group worthy of acknowledgement…We give a great big sendoff that he’ll remember for the rest of his life, especially looking back at the wedding and sheva brachot pictures, where he would reminisce at this period with joy and it will be the barometer where he can perform the responsibilities of marriage with confidence and great joy.
Perhaps, most important – he will do repentance with joy – teshuva b’simcha as appose to repentance with anguish – teshuva b’tza’ar. The popular belief is that all sins are forgiven for the bride and groom at their wedding day. So the Chatan begins with a clean slate.
Therefore, the Torah instructs the Kohen not to render a groom unclean during his seven days of celebration, for his predisposition to anti-social behavior poses no threat to the relationship with his wife; on the contrary, he may even be cured at the culmination of the seven days due to the attention he receives.
HOW TO MAKE A CHATAN AND KALLAH HAPPY?
Hence, it’s very important to be active in participation in the joy of the Chatan and Kallah. There are two main categories in this regard: One is to accompany the bride and groom to the wedding canopy (chupa – in Hebrew) prepare for the wedding, and the other is to help them enjoy the wedding as much as possible.
Furthermore, the commandment of ‘being like G-d’ is fulfilled when one helps a bride and groom. Where do we see that G-d participates in people’s weddings? The Rabbis tell us that Adam and Eve participated in the first ever wedding, and the only onlooker was G-d! G-d, so to speak, arranged that Eve’s hair be arranged for the wedding and brought her to Adam. Thus we see that helping people in the process of getting married is a way of emulating G-d.
The mitzva of accompanying the bride and groom to the wedding was traditionally performed by accompanying the bride from her home to the chupa. Nowadays, the mitzva is fulfilled when the men accompany the groom when he covers the veil of the bride.
The mitzva of giving joy to the bride and groom is fulfilled by dancing in front of them and saying pleasant things such as extolling the virtues of the bride to the groom. In Orthodox weddings, the guests show great enthusiasm in their dancing and entertaining of the bride and groom. The emphasis is totally on giving them joy, as opposed to enjoying oneself. The Rabbis speak harshly of people who attend weddings and eat the food served there, but do not try to please the bride and groom. In contrast they speak very favorably of people who do give the bride and groom joy!
People experiencing a happy occasion truly appreciate when others share in their joy. Thus, giving joy to bride and groom is a great kindness; it shows them that we really feel their joy.
We see the importance of a group bringing joy to a friend, a Chatan/Kallah. The comradery is at its highest level! There is a story that illustrates this point well. It’s the story of Choni Hamehagel. Choni fell asleep, and slept for seventy years. When he woke up he saw a man gathering carobs from the tree. “Are you the man who planted this tree?” he (Choni) asked.
“I am his grandson.” “I must have slept for seventy years,” said Choni to himself. He saw that his donkey had given birth to a whole herd of donkeys. Choni went to his house. “Is Choni’s son here?” he asked. “His son is no longer alive, but his grandson is here,” they replied to him. “I am Choni Hamehagel” he told them. They did not believe him.
He went to the Beit Midrash (study hall) and he heard the Rabbis say, “Things are so clear today, like in the days of Choni Hamehagel, that every question that the Rabbis had, he knew the answer to it.”
“I am he,” said Choni. The Rabbis did not believe him and they did not respect him even though his knowledge of Torah was great. He said if I don’t have a companion in expressing myself, it’s not worth to live.
He was weakened and he asked G-d to have mercy on him, and he died.
There are many questions on this Gemara, however, let’s focus on Choni’s mental wellbeing throughout the whole episode.
There are many questions on this Gemara, however, let’s focus on Choni’s mental wellbeing throughout the whole episode.
Choni was transported to the future. He was not recognized but he was remembered, fondly, as a historical figure. Everybody immediately recognized the name Choni and revered it. However, they did not connect nor believe that the man in front of them was in fact Choni. This happened both in his home and in the study hall.
We see from here that Choni had a past (people knew his name) and he had a future (he had grandchildren and his name lived on in his scholarly teachings), however – he had no present! He could not connect; he could not adapt to the present in which he was placed.
No person should live in isolation, and belonging to and contributing to a community – synagogues, charitable organizations, study groups, etc. – becomes our clothing, so to speak – the external persona that we project. The great Choni Hamehagel of Second Temple times said it well: “if there is no community, then there is only death.”