Tag Archive for Parents

Parents communicating with children: The Jewish way

This article was constructed with the help of either writings, lectures or shiurim of Rabbi’s Noach Isaac Oelbaum, Baruch Dopelt, Asher Hurtzberg , Yossi Bilius and Dr. Abba Goldman


Why did G-d love Avraham so much?
 Since the beginning of time man would travel to many places. Upon ones journey one inevitably is forced to acquaint himself with other passengers who are from different walks of life. The subway of New York City is the best example. Often one sees someone he knows even the slightest and he will begin to schmooze. That’s nice isn’t it; perhaps one can say there is a very pro-human side to travel.
  On one occasion two important figures in the world, although with different philosophies on life, the great Torah sage, Rabbi Yaakov Kamenetsky and the Secretary-General of the Israeli Trade Federation, Histadrut, happened to be sitting next to each other, on an El Al flight; both were in first class… While conversing on the flight with the great Rabbi he was impressed with the caring service the Rabbi’s, presumably, personal staff was giving him. Through the course of the flight they would come and make sure his pillow was set correctly or they would ask him how his meal was and if he needed anything. The Secretary General commented to the elderly Rabbi “that’s some dedicated staff you have working for you”. The Rabbi answered back “you’re mistaken they’re not my staff; they’re my son and granddaughter”.   He was amazed at the dedication of the son and granddaughter had given to the elderly Rabbi. As related in the book, Reb Yaakov: His Life, pp.218-219: “He confided sadly to Reb Yaakov that he almost never saw his grandchildren and his children only rarely. Rav Yaakov explained to him that the difference in their relationships to their children and grandchildren could be traced to their differing views of Creation … ‘You … believe in the Darwinian view of life as the result of random, purposeless events,’ he told [him], ‘so as far as your descendants are concerned you’re just one generation closer to the apes than your children are. That make the younger generation more intelligent and sophisticated than the previous. The children are less monkeys then us. The philosophy is that they’re smarter then you. We, on the other hand, do not believe that we are superior to our ancestors. Quite the contrary. For us the central event in history was the Revelation at Sinai. The generations immediately after that Revelation lived in awe of their parents as people to whom G-d actually spoke. And their children in turn viewed them with veneration for having known those who heard G-d speak. And so it is with each passing generation. Every generation looks at the previous as great and with the utmost respect. My children and grandchildren honor me as one who had contact with spiritual giants whose greatness is almost beyond their comprehension, and therefore they attribute to me a wisdom and spiritual sensitivity that they do not possess.”
This is the second week we read about our forefather Avraham, the grand-daddy of them all. One may say an extraordinary human being to say the least. The Torah says that G-d loved Avraham.

Why did G-d love Avraham more than anyone?
Was it because:
*The Medrash describes Avraham as a charismatic towering popular figure that had a certain magnetism to attract many to his home where he did kindness. “Kindness is what the world is built on” and it’s G-d type of language.
 One may ask how Avraham received his prophecy. Prophecy is learned studying G-d work; one has to place tremendous thought and concentration with meditation. How was it possible that Avraham achieved that level where he spoke to G-d, he always was entertaining guests? His hospitality was second to none. Where did he have the time?
Since kindness is the fundamental building block of the world one can achieve prophecy and closeness to G-d equating it to the time spending learning G-d’ work.
* Avraham’s analytical highly intelligent mind was crucial in his ability to come to the understanding himself that there can only be monotheistic concept. This was unheard of. The mindset of just having one G-d irked many people and went against societies pangenetic beliefs. The new wave philosophy of our forefather placed Avraham’s life in danger. Let’s just say he was the lone ranger who had guts for he stood up for what he believed in and not succumbing to the pressures of society. The term Hebrews was conceived from Avraham’s nick name “Ha-Ivry”which cenotes “ev’er”-the other side of the river.  The world was hinting then that we, the world are on one side and you, Avraham are on the other. I’m sure this sounds familiar to all who are reading this.
*Avraham was thrown in a burning furnace on behalf of G-d’s honor.
* Avraham was the first to be circumcised following G-d’s instructions.
* Avraham listens to G-d whether it was on command to leave his homeland, to slaughter his beloved son, Yitzchak. One of the ten big tests G-d placed upon him.
*Avraham was… “a big fan of the New York Mets”.
Well reader, there is a smorgasbord of choices….Please, choose, which one of Avraham’s tremendous traits did G-d love?
Which is the one for which G-d said I will make you into a great nation?
Perhaps there’s something else we overlooked.
We read in this week’s parsha:
     [18,19] “For I have loved him for he commands his children and his household after him that they keep the way of G-d.”
Shockingly, it’s not any of those noble famous actions that we have grown accustomed to admire about the great Avraham – our forefather. What G-d loves about Avraham the best, is the fact that he’s able to communicate the message. He’s able to talk the same language as his kids. There is no generation gap. There are no cultural differences. Avraham is the great communicator of all time. His kids listen to him.
There were others in his generation that believed in G-d. However, none of them were able to communicate and deliver the message to the next generation.
Even the notorious evil Eisav, his grandson, adored and listened to Avraham. Avraham had Eisav contained and made tremendous in roads into his development. However, the Midrash states that the day Avraham passed away Eisav was in a state of shock and despair and committed five major averot -sins – including murder and adultery.  We can only imagine what Eisav would have become if G-d gave Avraham a few more years.
This is the gifted trait that Avraham passed down to us the ability to communicate to the next generation. This is what keeps the chain continuing: generation after generation.
One of the most mindboggling extraterrestrial miraculous episodes in our Torah involves the two Keruvim (Keruvim [Cherubs]: angels-resembling young children; relief images of two winged cherubim were part of the cover of the Holy Ark in the Temple). Many commentaries mentioned that it wasn’t two young children as the popular assumptions are of the two Keruvim but one was an image of a man the other was of a child. Interestingly, it resembles a father and son. The reason the Keruvim-the father and son were placed on the cover in the Holies of Holies, the most important place in the world, the heart and soul of the children of Israel, is because this is the lifeblood of the Jewish people; this is the continuity of our nation, it is the father and son relationship, the parent – child relationship, the Rebbi/Morah – student relationship which keeps our people alive. It’s the pulse of our existence. It’s a must to perfect and to nurture the communication. There should be a flow between the one passing down and the one receiving. No clogged arteries please.
However, there is one piece of the puzzle missing. What will make the chain from generation to generation more secure is a an important verse found in Parshat Lech Lecha
[15,2,3,4]
 2. And Abram said, “O Lord God, what will You give me, since I am going childless, and the steward of my household is Eliezer of Damascus?”   ב.וַיֹּ֣אמֶראַבְרָ֗ם אֲדֹנָ֤י יֱהֹוִה֙ מַה־תִּתֶּן־לִ֔י וְאָֽנֹכִ֖י הוֹלֵ֣ךְ עֲרִירִ֑י וּבֶן־מֶ֣שֶׁק בֵּיתִ֔י ה֖וּא דַּמֶּ֥שֶׂק אֱלִיעֶֽזֶר:
3. And Abram said, “Behold, You have given me no seed, and behold, one of my household will inherit me.”   ג.וַיֹּ֣אמֶר אַבְרָ֔ם הֵ֣ן לִ֔י לֹ֥א נָתַ֖תָּה זָ֑רַע וְהִנֵּ֥הבֶן־בֵּיתִ֖י יוֹרֵ֥שׁ אֹתִֽי:
4. And behold, the word of the Lord came to him, saying, “This one will not inherit you, but the one who will spring from your innards-he will inherit you.”   ד.וְהִנֵּ֨ה דְבַר־יְהֹוָ֤ה אֵלָיו֙ לֵאמֹ֔ר לֹ֥א יִירָֽשְׁךָ֖ זֶ֑ה כִּי־אִם֙ אֲשֶׁ֣ר יֵצֵ֣א מִמֵּעֶ֔יךָ ה֖וּא יִֽירָשֶֽׁךָ:
These pasukim are crucial to understand in the proper development and relationship between parents and kids, between teacher and student. The commentaries interpret Avraham’s concern that even my trusted servant Eliezer who will transform my words exactly as I said is not the optimal choice. Why not? Why is Eliezer not good enough?  He is transforming the holy words of Avraham just as he said it. You can’t get more perfect than that.
When a servant repeats what one said, he is still a servant; we are not passing down the tradition to a tape recorder. Yitzchak, Avraham’s son who inherited the mantle and passed it down to his son, absorbed the words of his father, however, was able to make his own input, his own emotions, his own intellect, his own strengths along the way. As we learned: Yitzchak had quite a different personality than his Father. He was a “no non-sense” type (Gevurah).  His approach was the antithesis than that of his father’s soft-kindness. The difference was legendary. However, their communication was also legendary. Although he passed it down to his son unchanged: Yitchak’s own flavor was added to it. And so it was for generations after. Each father passed the words of G-d with his KOCHOT-strengths, his personality, his creativity.
Interestingly, each child is different and has to be approached and taught differently. Children are not tape recorders (remember those things) and it will be a tremendous injustice to treat them like the factory assembly line. One will be depriving the child in making his unique input in this world if they’re not approached in a way that is appropriate for them.
                              

INTERESTING NOTE
Does one ever wonder that there are two times in the entire Torah that the parsha starts with the word Toldot. The two are found by Noach-ELEH TOLDOT NOACH and by Yitzchak- ELEH TOLDOT YITZCHAK.  The Torah hints that by Noach the next word after  – ELEH TOLDOT NOACH is NOACH. Noach, who was a tsaddik, however he produced, at best, someone equivalent, nothing more – maybe less, to himself. However, the words after ELEH TOLDOT YITZCHAK  is “the son of Avraham”. The chain was passed to Yitzchak. It follows in the verse AVRAHAM HOLID ET YITZCHAK – Avraham gave birth to Yitzchak creating a new creation. For Yitzchak developed into his own whole person. He loyally followed the tradition; the chain was passed to him. However, Yitzchak was able to create and rise to another level.
 We all want our children, students to be better than us. We want them to reach their potential and exceed our level. To do so: one has to give individual attention to each child.
It says in the morning prayers in the Halelukas which is found in the Pesukey d’zimra section “young men and also young women, old men and young men”. This seems incorrect, it should say “old men and old women” why is it out of sequence?
If one doesn’t have the proper tradition and communication between the elders and the young, one cannot reach the opportunity between man and woman.

Altering Life in the Blink of an Eye
There are times when it seems that all one’s effort is for naught. No matter how much one tries, it just doesn’t go. It’s similar to when one puts their car in neutral and presses the gas. The vehicle doesn’t move. It doesn’t help if one presses on the accelerator with more force. Absolutely nothing helps. This is how many of us feel sometimes. Does this sound familiar?

  Rav Henoch Liebowitz z’l teaches us something very inspirational in this week’s parsha. When the two angels came to Lot’s house revealing that the city and all its inhabitants would be destroyed, Lot informed his household that they would have to leave quickly. However his future son-in-law laughed at him. “How can this city be destroyed? The economy is bustling” the son-in-law said. “The kids are playing in the street and there’s not a cloud in the sky; it doesn’t seem like anything is going to happen”. Boy, was he surprised; he and the entire city were destroyed. Interestingly, even though he ridiculed Lot, the son- in-law was a believer of G-d. So why didn’t he comply? Rav Henoch says, human nature is such that one doesn’t believe change will take place. Everything will remain the same. This is what the son-in-law believed. Perhaps that’s why a person never is able to comprehend that he will die one day. It could happen to my friend but it can never happen to me.

  Just like change took place in a blink of an eye for destructive purposes, so too one can believe that changes can occur in the blink of an eye for the good. One can be single for twenty years and one day he dates a girl and in a couple of months is engaged to be married. The same goes with having children – one may think life follows a script however the captain of the football team doesn’t always get the head cheerleader. Life takes funny bounces and sometimes for the good.

  Rav Henoch is trying to teach us one never knows. In the blink of an eye our prayers can be answered.

Parshat Highlights
the source for quick D’var Torahs
First portion
* We would like to believe we are not the same people we were years ago. Everyone would state, they have matured, been educated and have learned from life’s experiences. This is the general attitude of humans. Well, I hope we have matured and become better people. It’s frustrating to see those that have not.

In this weeks

Parshat Yitro

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Spark Of Jewish Experience
 Parshat Yitro

February 9, 2012
16 Shevat, 5772

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In This Issue
Parshat Yitro Highlights
Parshat Yitro – Freedom of Choice
The Ultimate Task of Parents
Important to be in a Safe Environment

Parshat Yitro Highlights
First Portion

* Yitro was Moshe’s father-in-law as well as a former advisor to Pharaoh, who actually advised favorably on the subject of the Israelites. However, his advice was not taken well and he was forced to flee; He also was a high priest in Midyan.

* Many nations have seen and heard the miracles that G-d performed on the Jews in Egypt and at sea. However, Yitro comprehended what G-d has done. He was impressed to the point where it changed him and was ready to convert to Judaism.

* Moshe sends a message for Tziporah his wife to meet at a certain point in the desert. So Yitro arrived with Tziporah and Moshe’s two sons at the scheduled meeting place.

* A meal offering was initiated by Yitro commemorating his circumcision and his introduction to Judaism. We see many years later, the King of Israel, Shaul, warned the Canaanites, who were the descendants of Yitro to leave their residents within Amalek (enemies of the Jews) because war was imminent. The reason for such concern not to harm them stemmed from this meal celebration between Moshe, Aharon, Yitro, and other high-ranking officials. We see the power of a sit down meal celebration, for mitzvah sake, and how positive it can be where it has long lasting effects hundreds of years later.

Second Portion

* Yitro’s experience in pubic office where he had a high ranking position in Pharaoh’s super power government, enabled him to advise Moshe on how to be more proficient in his duties and basically make the system run better.

* There is a question as to why Moshe wasn’t able to derive the advice that Yitro gave from the Torah? We have to understand, although the Torah provides great wisdom; there will be on occasion an individual that can provide sound advice. G-d’s purposely teaching us it’s not the intellectual superiority that’s the main part, nor are we more cultural advanced then the other nations, but the focal point is the spiritual superiority.

Third Portion

* Moshe took the advice of his father-in-law.

* Yitro decided to return to Midyan.

* Why did Yitro decide to return to Midyan? Wouldn’t he feel more comfortable with his new comrades (his fellow circumcised Jews)? (See one of my shmoozim on the email newsletter). One should note, Ruth, the Midyanit convert, decided to go to Israel with her former mother-in-law rather then go back to her former home. It would be most difficult to maintain one’s religious level among people who do not have the same goals as you.

Fourth Portion

* The Israelites arrived at Sinai and Moshe went up to receive the Torah.

* G-d told Moshe to tell the people “If you keep my Torah, then I will hold you in great esteem.”

Fifth Portion

* Moshe came down from the mountain and told all which G-d is demanding of us. The elders, the leaders all answered back “We will do whatever G-d says.”

* Moshe gave instructions on the preparations to receive the Torah.

* The nation gathered at the bottom of the mountain.

Sixth Portion

* G-d’s aura had descended on the Israelites; it’s the closest the Jews have been to the presence of G-d.

* The first two commandments were recited by G-d. However, the people weren’t able to withstand the rays of G-d’s presence; Moshe then recited the last eight.

* The Ten Commandments are divided into five. The first five on the right are commandments between G-d and man; while the second five are commandments between man and his fellow man (see schmooze in this email newsletter).

 

Seventh Portion

* One cannot even imagine what a special moment in history this was. The scripture says they saw the voices.

* Only three Jews did not witness the revelation at Mount Sinai; Yitro and Moshe’s two sons. How can that be – Moshe sons? This was designed by G-d so Moshe can perform what every father and Rabbi is commanded, and that is to pass it down to the next generation. Apparently, almost the whole nation heard The Sinai experience, so there was no passing down for a while. But they observed the best teacher – Moshe taught his sons.

* Three million Jews witnessed the receiving of the Torah; no other religion has witnesses with this magnitude that have seen the revelation of their religion.

Parshat Yitro – Freedom of Choice
   

King David was quoted as praising Yitro, Moshe’s father-in-law, as a very smart man who has a tremendous insight into G-d and was able to fully comprehend the miraculous events that occurred to the Israelites. This was evident by some of the definitions of his seven names, in which Rashi and many commentaries say he was called by. What was it about Yitro, which impressed David and warranted such praise?

It’s only natural in a successful marriage that more and more matrimonial matches spurt up between the two sides; Moshe’s nephew, Elazar, marries one of Yitro’s daughters. But what’s odd when we are introduced and informed of the union, is Rashi’s description of Potiel, the father of the bride, Yitro’s other name; he describes a man “who fattened calves for idolatry” and “from the seed of Yosef who conquered his passion”. Now I understand the compliment of the comparison to Yosef, that’s very nice; however, why bring up “he fattened calves”? It’s very demeaning not just for Yitro but for Elazar as well. One can only imagine the mazal tov section of the weekly Synagogue newsletter stating ‘Mr. and Mrs. Potiel, the ones who fattened calves for idolatry.’ It doesn’t have a nice ring to it, don’t you think?

In this week’s Parsha, our ancestors received the Torah and we read the Ten Commandments. One has to ask, why did G-d emphasize these ten as opposed too many others he could have mentioned? Furthermore, G-d wanted to give it to the other nation as well; but His reply to their question of what’s in it, always played on their weakness. For example, to the Arabs he emphasized ‘do not steal’; to Edom, ‘do not kill’; G-d knew perfectly well that it would be difficult for them.

Rabbi Oelbaum says that the fundamental importance of the Torah is to enable us to overcome and do the opposite of our nature, to break the one aspect of our personality that we have a tough time overcoming. This is the primary goal of life.

Perhaps this is what G-d intended when approaching the nations and asking, are you ready to accept for real, and therefore you would have to eradicate stealing or murder or what ever weakness one has.

Rav Eliyahu Lopian teaches an important awareness of freedom of choice. This is an important aspect of man. However, one should know the definition of freedom of choice is not that one can do whatever he wants. If that was so, what is man’s superiority over animals? They too can do whatever they want. The definition of freedom of choice is that he’s able to choose himself and go against his nature, against his natural instincts and animals cannot do this.

Perhaps this is the greatness of Yitro; his weakness was idol worship to an extent where he couldn’t control himself. However, he was able to persevere and see G-d where many couldn’t. We must bring another definition of Potiel and that is ‘sheniftar me-avoda-zara’, he was able to disassociate, break off from idol worship.

These Ten Commandments were chosen because they are the fundamental building blocks of the Torah, of life. If we strengthen our character traits and not get sucked in like a magnet, we would have done our duty and we would be able to exercise our true freedom of choice.

The Ultimate Task of Parents
   

One should know and realize by looking at the tablets in which the Ten Commandments are placed on (and is found in every synagogue in the world), that one half represents man’s relationship with G-d while the other half represents man’s relationship with his fellow man. If one examines it closely however, one will notice “honoring your father and your mother” is placed in the wrong column – on the side that represents man’s relationship with G-d. Clearly, as far as I’m concerned, parents are humans and they belong on the other side of the tablets. Perhaps the designer thought it would look awkward having six and four placed on the Aron Kodseh (place where you keep the Torahs). Five and five look much better and even; it gives more presence to the Synagogue, especially the fancy shmancy ones.

We read in Psalms, which was written by King David; (Sefardim read it daily while the Ashkenazim recite it the month before Rosh Hashanah). “My father and mother have left me but I still have you, G-d”. We can deduce from the Psalm that King David relied heavily on G-d. We can also detect David missing his parents. But that’s kind of odd; before he was anointed King, there was a concern that he might have been illegitimate. Yishai, his father, wasn’t sure David was his son. At best, they had a cold relationship. Although one may argue that any doubt about the legitimacy of Yishai being David’s father was put to rest after the Prophet Shmuel anointed David, and a loving father and son relationship developed. However, David was on the run, whether being chased by King Shaul or whatever wars he fought. Furthermore, David’s parents and brothers (except for one) were massacred by the Moabites. So as far as David’s relationship with his father, what’s there that he missed so much that triggered him to make such a statement?

Any one of the readers who have had the experience of taking care of elderly parents realized that as long as they were alive, one felt the parent was taking care of them even though the opposite was true. The son or daughter paid all the bills and they would escort them to their medical appointments because they would not be able to go by themselves. In fact, my father once said when a person becomes old he reverts back to being a child. Even so, apparently as soon as they pass on, the children feel abandoned; they have an uneasy feeling of losing that nurturing parent.

Belief and trusting G-d requires one to fully rely on Him. How does one develop that ability? This is accomplished by practicing the concept of “leaning on and trusting” through the parents. They are there so we can really on them. They fed and clothed us and took us to school when we were young; they taught us about life. The college tuition was paid and they let us borrow the car. We look up to them until a certain time where then they pass the baton to G-d and we rely on Him fully. It may take twenty years or forty, but it’s inevitable.

This is the reason “honoring parents” is on the same side of man/G-d relationship. G-d and parents are part and parcel in bringing out in us the feeling of trust and having being taken care of and that the ultimate and optimal feeling one has to have to G-d.

Important to be in a Safe Environment

The sages say that one of Moshe’s grandchildren didn’t turn out up to par like the rest of his family. One may ask, “What went wrong?” After all, Moshe was very close to G-d; a perfect leader. In fact, there is no argument; he was the best leader we ever had. Actually, perhaps one can argue and say we see very often, the children of some of today’s leaders have a hard time with their famous parents.

We learn something astonishing about the relationship between Moshe and his father-in-law, Yitro. Apparently, Yitro made a deal with Moshe that his firstborn would be educated by the Grandfather through idol worship. Yes, you read it correctly, idol worship. But how can that be? Didn’t Yitro convert to Judaism? We also learn that he was a great believer. So that really doesn’t make sense. Furthermore, how can Moshe allow his son to participate?

Yitro was a very smart man who came to the realization that Judaism and the Torah is the real deal. But Yitro came to that conclusion through experimenting with every type of idol worship that exists in the world and at the end, when the smoked cleared, only the Torah remained standing. The greatest spiritual high and the closeness to G-d were attained through this method.

Yitro wanted his grandson to reach the same conclusion as he did and he persuaded Moshe to permit his son to attempt to reach this exclusively high level of closeness to G-d. However, this was very dangerous and it backfired. Although Yitro felt his grandson had a similar personality to his himself, nevertheless, apparently that was not the case. Everybody’s different.

We find that Ruth (the convert) realized that if she would go back to her country, she would regress in her spiritual quest to Judaism, and therefore decided to go travel to Israel with her former mother-in-law.

The sages teach us one can find all the wisdom that other religions offer, in our Torah, and there is no need to venture out.

We often think we are infallible and are able to maintain a level in any place, whether it is at work or moving to a new neighborhood where the level of religion is not so strong. We are human and are vulnerable and are influenced by the society around us. It’s an element of survival to surround oneself with a community, proper schooling, and friends.

There was only one Yitro; his uniqueness was singled out. It would be unsafe – to say the least – to do what he did.

Sincerely,
Rabbi Avi Matmon
Spark of Jewish Experience