This article was constructed with the help of either writings, lectures or shiurim of Rabbi’s Baruch Dopelt, Yossi Bilius, Aron Tendler, Doniel Neustadt, Eliyahu ben Chaim and Dr. Abba Goldman, Miedel Weissman, Erez Okchon
 
It’s not easy getting married: it’s not easy staying married. For that matter, it’s exceptionally not easy being single. What shall one do? Interestingly, human nature is such that most gravitate towards finding a mate to wed. Subconsciously to find a mate and to do it legally, not just to live with someone is what people strive and feel the need. Having weak knees and having the feelings of being forced and dragged down in shackles to the altar is for the most part not true. That’s our western society sense of humor…HA- HA- HA. There is a built-in mechanism in all of us to get married. Our religion encourages matrimony and indicates that one elevates their status in the world. There is an element of maturity, responsibility that one takes upon themselves that G-d likes. In fact it is written in the holy books that G-d forgives one’s sins when they get married. How is that for an incentive!! They start a new, fresh clean slate.
Interestingly, most people are more at peace with themselves when they tie the knot. Does one ever wonder why we say “Shiduch” referring to finding a mate? The word “shiduch” is Aramaic for “peaceful” or “tranquil” (see Targum Shoftim 3:11), referring to the peacefulness which a woman senses when she finds her match and establishes her home (Ran, Shabbat 12a). A man has a better concentration on spiritual matters when married. For this reason the Sages recommend that on one of the holiest days of the year, Rosh Hashana, the Chazzan should be married.
Others maintain that the word “shiduch” means “to bind or tie” together (Aruch). One is only a half until he meets and binds with his shiduch.
It is a mitzvah to arrange a shiduch between a man and a woman for the object of matrimony even to arrange it on Shabbat, and if necessary, it is even permitted to discuss financial arrangements on Shabbat. This is unprecedented considering how stringent it is to keep the Shabbat.
 Considering the importance a shiduch might mean to one’s life, its human nature that one would do anything to get a mate that they think is most suitable. Competition is fierce. Some might resort to enhance themselves in a very exaggerate way. One can argue “what’s a little white lie?” It’s for constructive purposes…..Well, is it allowed?This week’s Parsha is the only place in the Torah where a shiduch investigation is initiated and conducted.
Avraham summoned his servant and charged him with the mission of finding a suitable wife for his son Yitzhak. Avraham had his servant swear that he would not take a wife for Isaac from the local Canaanite women. Instead, he asked him to travel to Aram, his native land, and find a wife for Yitzhak.
The servant set out for his master’s homeland and evening time found him beside the city well. He prayed for success in his mission, and asked for a heavenly sign to confirm his choice of a girl for Isaac. He would ask a maiden for a drink of water, and the one who would answer: “Certainly, and I’ll also give your camels to drink as well,” would be the proper choice for Isaac. Immediately a young lady approached and in response to the servant’s request for a drink, she offered to give his camels to drink too. Upon questioning her, he discovered that she was Avraham’s great-niece, Rivka.
Interestingly, the servant is the one who is burdened to find a mate for his master’s son. It seems like there is no effort on Yitzchak’s part to hunt for a wife. Perhaps, this is as close as one gets to a mail order bride. It was different in our generations: we were subjugated to the long grueling and humiliating single events to find our Eshet Chayil.
As one examines the scriptures, one realizes that Eliezer alters the account of the story – as he tells over to Rivka’s father and brother of how he met their daughter. He changes the sequence of events telling the father and brother, Betuel and Lavan, that he gave the girl the jewelry – only after she disclosed her name. However, that was not so. He gave her the jewelry first – before he asked her name.
Our Sages were puzzled as to why the Torah devoted so much space to this single episode. “The conversation of the servants of Patriarchs is more pleasing before the Omnipresent than the Torah of the sons. For the section of Eliezer is repeated in the Torah, whereas many important principles of the Law were given only by hinting.” (Rashi 24:42).
In the Torah, words count for much. Something that is especially important is often repeated, such as the mitzvot of Shabbat and circumcision. Here, too, it is for us to discover what is so significant in this story.
Eliezer didn’t think Betuel and Lavan would appreciate if told about the miracle through prayer. As soon as he finished his prayers, it materialized. For the girl that he described to G-d actually appeared and performed the kindness in his presence. He knew without a doubt: G-d was sending what he asked. Therefore, he altered the truth. Evil people like Betuel and Lavan would dismiss his explanation. Eliezer rationalized they wouldn’t believe him, that he made up the whole thing, that he was some kind of “nut” and therefore spoil the shiduch if told the truth.
We learned two very important lessons from this incident. Firstly, one almost always needs a miracle in the area of shiduchim. Much of shiduchim is illogical; much of shiduchim leaves people scratching their heads. G-d is the ultimate signer of every shiduch and HE puts it together, no matter what and where, as HE sees fit, in the craziest circumstances, it will happen!!!
Secondly, even more astonishing, the Torah gives leeway for altering the truth, ever so slightly, nevertheless, point be taken, for the sake of finishing the deal, for making the shiduch take place. For putting two people together the little white lie has to take place.
Once a Rabbi overhears his wife, who is on the phone in the kitchen, persuading a young man to go out again even though he didn’t think she was for him. A little while later she tells the girl, the date, “yes, I received a call from him and he’s crazy about you and can’t wait to see you again”. The shadchan-matchmaker was afraid that if she knew he’s “pareve” about her, she will be discouraged and lose interest. Incredibly, this couple got married and has six kids.
 The million dollar question is to what extent one can lie? Is there a gauge of how truthful one can be? What often happens when one is asked to give his opinion, of course in confidentiality, about a particular young man or young woman, is that people tend to speak when they should be quiet and hold back when they ought to speak up.
Interestingly, from the beginning of matchmaking, till this very day, it’s understood, that the parties are not telling the truth to a certain degree. The truth, for the most part has been slightly altered. Should one always expect that a few years have been latched on or off the age disclosed for both a girl and a boy?
INFORMATION:
It is prohibited for either party in a prospective match to give false information or to withhold pertinent information about them. In certain cases, withholding or falsifying information could result in the invalidation of a marriage (22). Even a couple who has been married many years may be considered to be living in sin if pertinent information was withheld at the time of their marriage.
The Sages give some examples of information that may not be withheld in a prospective match [and which–if withheld–may invalidate a marriage]: A serious physical or mental illness (23), infertility (24), and financial status (25), lack of religious observance (26), previous marital status (27), previous illicit relationships (28), conversion (29), and adoption (30).
One is not required to divulge a deficiency which most people do not consider to be an impediment, such as a minor illness (31), a physical weakness or a minor blemish in one’s lineage (32). Similarly, it is not required to divulge a transgression in the distant past for which the sinner has repented (33).
Since it is often difficult to gauge and judge minor drawback versus major deficiencies, a Rabbi must always be consulted.
 An individual who is asked for [or is aware of (34)] information about a shiduch must divulge what he knows regarding a “major deficiency”, as detailed above. One who deliberately withholds such information: transgresses the prohibition of “lifnei eiver lo sitein michshol” (35) -“placing an object to stumble before the blind man”.However, when does this rule apply? When should the person being asked disclose the information? When should the couple mention the information?
Second date, fifth date, ninth date, when is it the right time to disclose before transgressing the prohibition of “lifnei eiver lo sitein michshol” (35).
There was a young man who was slightly handicapped; few of his fingers were paralyzed due to polio he contracted when he was a child. After, a number of dates, his deficiency not being noticed by the girl he was seeing, the young man consulted Rabbi Kanievsky as to when to tell the young lady.
The reply was before the engagement. The Rabbi ruled the illness that the young man contracted as a child will not affect the future. Therefore, in this particular case, he had to tell the young lady before the engagement.
However, Dr. Goldman indicates that perhaps that’s a unique case. Many Rabbis are under the opinion that information should be told in the early part of dating before the couple is emotionally involved. It should be disclosed way before the engagement. It’s a tremendous responsibility.
Interestingly, a number of professional shadchanim interviewed for this article expressed how careful they are about stretching the truth (age, height, weight), more so than friends and family who volunteer to set up their loved ones out of the goodness of their heart. The professional Shadchanim are more careful of their reputation to be more accurate, for if they disappoint their client with false information they will not be called again and not be recommended to others.
Detrimental information about a shiduch may only be conveyed with the proper intention–for the benefit of one of the parties, not as revenge or in spite of any individual. Even then, the information may only be relayed when (36):
*The condition is serious;
*The condition has not been exaggerated;
*There is a reasonable chance that the information will be accepted and acted upon. If it is likely to be ignored, it is prohibited to be relayed.
One who is unsure if a particular point of information is a major deficiency or if the above conditions have been met should consult a Rav before divulging or withholding any information?
 What should parents be looking for in their investigation? Before beginning the search, it is important to decide which values are important to your family and what criteria should be used in evaluating a potential shiduch.After deciding what you are looking for in the categories of character, family, finances, and looks, evaluate your list in relation to your child. Are you being realistic in your search? Does your child deserve the potential prince or princess that you imagine? Are you underselling your child and limiting his or her choices? Will the son or daughter-in-law you imagine make your child happy? Do you really know better than your children do: who and what they need in a spouse? The Rav of Manchester, Harav Segall Zt’l, once mentioned that after all is said and done, a parent has the obligation to find a shiduch that will make his child happy. It is therefore important to include your son or daughter in the process. Find out who their fantasy spouse is and challenge them to be more realistic and honest. It is a parent’s responsibility to lower or raise a child’s expectations.
Midel Weismann a professional shadchan and a good friend relates an incident when he attended a sheva brachot of a friend’s son.
During the meal of the sheva brachot: the father of the Kalah rises up to speak and discloses the reason why he picked this young man to be his son in-law. With pride he begins “my daughter had a lot of suiters; however, Moshe struck me to be one with exceptional fine character. I was in B’nai B’rak waiting for a hitch to Tveria, when someone, Moshe, pulls over and after disclosing where I desired to go, he mentioned he’s going in that direction. During the ride I asked what Yeshiva he is learning at and how he likes his Rebbeyim and teachers. I must tell you throughout the two hour journey, which entailed many traffic jams and sudden stops, Moshe did not beep the horn once. It was a pleasure to see such a relaxed individual. I have to compliment his parents and Rebbeyim for instilling in him the trait of tolerance. He was very calm; he never showed any annoyance at the often tumultuous ride. Even when we were about to enter Tveria where there was a Bedouin on a camel who planted himself on the road in front of us, ones immediate reaction is to honk the horn and wave your hands to move off the road. Moshe never even made the motion to hit the steering wheel”.
“When I left the car I made sure to get as much information so I can inquire and have the shiduch take place with my daughter. Moshe I am proud that you are my son-in-law”
T
 here was a moment of silence where then Moshe burst laughing. Now he rises and tells the guests and his new father-in-law “the horn of the car was dead. The reason I was in B’nai B’rak that day was to have it fixed. However, the Mechanic was not available and that’s when I met you”.Whether it be a horn, a car, a camel, a lie here and a lie there, this one a few years older, a few pound heavier if it is meant to be and G-d wants it done it will happen. We, though, have to make a refined sensitive effort to help create a potential family.
One should keep in mind when confronted with a question of a young man, woman, and their families, think through your response carefully. Make sure the information you give is accurate. Don’t exaggerate; one should transmit the information with the express purpose of aiding a shiduch. One should ensure that the information is transmitted in the least harmful way possible. One should weigh the amount of harm your information is liable to cause against its benefit.
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A Life and Death Lesson about dating
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Shockingly, it’s not any of those noble famous actions that we have grown accustomed to admire about the great Avraham – our forefather. What G-d loves about Avraham the best, is the fact that he’s able to communicate the message. He’s able to talk the same language as his kids. There is no generation gap. There are no cultural differences. Avraham is the great communicator of all time. His kids listen to him.
One of the most mindboggling extraterrestrial miraculous episodes in our Torah involves the two Keruvim (Keruvim [Cherubs]: angels-resembling young children; relief images of two winged cherubim were part of the cover of the Holy Ark in the Temple). Many commentaries mentioned that it wasn’t two young children as the popular assumptions are of the two Keruvim but one was an image of a man the other was of a child. Interestingly, it resembles a father and son. The reason the Keruvim-the father and son were placed on the cover in the Holies of Holies, the most important place in the world, the heart and soul of the children of Israel, is because this is the lifeblood of the Jewish people; this is the continuity of our nation, it is the father and son relationship, the parent – child relationship, the Rebbi/Morah – student relationship which keeps our people alive. It’s the pulse of our existence. It’s a must to perfect and to nurture the communication. There should be a flow between the one passing down and the one receiving. No clogged arteries please.
Interestingly, each child is different and has to be approached and taught differently. Children are not tape recorders (remember those things) and it will be a tremendous injustice to treat them like the factory assembly line. One will be depriving the child in making his unique input in this world if they’re not approached in a way that is appropriate for them.
It says in the morning prayers in the Halelukas which is found in the Pesukey d’zimra section “young men and also young women, old men and young men”. This seems incorrect, it should say “old men and old women” why is it out of sequence?
The Torah hints of many examples of this bracha – blessing come to the person.
Many immigrants come to the land of opportunity to build their dreams. Many have had financial difficulties and are looking to improve. America is a dream to many.
I wish to share with you a beautiful short story about the wonderful festival of Sukkot. The story was authored by S.Y. Agnon, the Israeli Nobel laureate who won the prize for literature a number of years ago, and whose likeness adorns the 50-shekel note in Israeli currency.
Although Succot is a beautiful holiday, it does require much work. Building the Sukkah, granted it’s fun, takes up lots of time. The same can be said about buying the Lulav and Etrog set, it impinges on our really heavy schedule. Waving those pointy lulavs with an occasional dart can be painful and burdensome, especially having to be careful not to break the delicate “pitom” on the small etrog. Furthermore having to go out to the sukkah every time one wants to snack, a small cookie, (mezonot) is really uncomfortable. It’s similar to going out to the corner neighborhood store by car to get a paper only to have to walk a half a block to get a parking stub from the mini meters. Might as well not eat the cookie or get the paper. Moreover, it’s not easy to sit in uncomfortable climate and change our lifestyle. It’s nice, perhaps for one or two outings, a change of scenery takes out the boredom in our HO HUM life, however seven days!! That’s a lot of meals where plates going back and forth from inside the house. Nevertheless G-d said to perform the commandment of sitting in the Succah therefore we dutifully oblige.
Rabbi Mordechai Londinski passed away at the age of eighty nine. It was just like the Chafetz Chaim had promised “you will live a little longer then I am now”. His funeral, though, was delayed for a day for his beloved son Moshe who was in California had to arrive. Usually, the burial has to take place within twenty four hours. Rabbi Kaminetski gave the unusual HETTER-“permission” to delay. Rabbi Moshe Londinski arrived and eulogized his father where he revealed this story. He said “besides my father, I and Chafetz Chaim no one knew this story until today” Rav Kaminetski said “it’s with the help of G-d that I made my decision to delay. Now I know why”.
Why do we recite the Kaddish for a deceased loved one? Out of all the prayers, why was this prayer chosen? Even a person who is non-observant will make it their business to recite the prayer. Its up there with the Shema as the most popular prayers. The Sages say that the recitation is a tremendous benefit for the soul that passed away. Therefore if one wants to honor their loved ones to the utmost he should make the effort to recite Kadish for their sake.
Working for a boss can be quite challenging and frustrating at times. Sometimes we have to walk on egg shells in order not to make the employer upset. Sometimes even that doesn’t help. There were 2 individuals who had the monotonous task of being water carriers for a very difficult man. The job was to carry buckets of water from one end of the field to the pool. The boss assigned each individual their own personal bucket. However one of the bucket had a hole in it and for the most part the un-lucky employee, as one could imagine, was never able to deliver the full amount of water in the bucket. It reached a point where the other fellow would tease him of the useless task he was assigned with.
How wonderful it would be if our wise human nature can be intuitive enough to appreciate what life’s gifts are. It’s sometimes a shame that one realizes after the fact. What often happens, when we pursue that what we rejected and then afterwords try to reconnect again, however, by then it’s too late.
She responded with the following story: We were childless for many years. Finally, we had a child. We raised the child, but he was sickly. He did not grow, he did not eat, he was weak, he did not walk until he was much older. He was very frail. We consulted with the doctors here in Mir. They sent us to a specialist in Vilna who told us that the child had a heart problem. The specialist said “There is nothing I can do for this child. He will only live a couple of more years. There is nothing more anyone can do for this child. Do not waste your money. Do not waste your time. You will only have the child for a couple of more years.” They were heart-broken. Someone advised them that on the way back from Vilna to Mir, they should stop in Radin and ask the Chofetz Chaim for a blessing. This was late in the life of the Chofetz Chaim. He was already very weak and was not seeing people. They were not able to arrange a visit at first, however, with some difficulty they finally were able to see him. They told the Chofetz Chaim their situation about their son and begged him to do something for them. The Chofetz Chaim said “There is nothing I can do for you. I am very sorry.” The person who arranged the meet, who had accompanied them, then yelled out, “but it is their only child!” The Chofetz Chaim said”, “It is an only child? Then I will tell you what to do!” He spoke to the mother and said “I want you to accept upon yourself from this day on that every Erev Shabbos by noon you will have the table already set for Shabbos and have the candles ready to be lit. I want that from the time you light Shabbos candles, nobody in the house will do any melacha [forbidden labor].” (Even though according to the strict law, when a woman lights candles 18 minutes before sunset, other members of the household can still do melacha until sunset.) The woman readily accepted this proposal.
Rabbi Frand heard an explanation of what this story is all about from Rav Mannis Mandel. Rav Mandel said the Chofetz Chaim was not a Chassidic Rebbe and he was not a miracle worker. But the Chofetz Chaim understood the meaning of a pasuk in Chumash. “And the Children of Israel shall observe the Shabbos (v’Shamru), to make the Shabbos an eternal covenant for their generations (l’Dorotom)…” [Shmos 31:12]
I found a very interesting observation by the Sfat Emet-Yehudah Aryeh Leib Alter (1847-1905)
Interestingly, a marriage has to have its loyalty between the spouses. The Mechilta in Parshat Ki Sisa states that the words -Baynee u’bein Bnei Yisrael (which is also recited in the kiddush and prayer) imply that Shabbos is a covenant between G-d and the Jews, to the exclusion of being a covenant between G-d and idolaters. Now, this seems peculiar. We do not need a special drasha [exegesis] to teach that a Gentile is not commanded to observe the Sabbath. We know that there are 7 Noachide laws, none of which involves a Gentile keeping Shabbot.
The Rambam writes in his Mishna Commentary that a Gentile who performs any of the commandments, receives some reward as one who “is not obligated but nevertheless fulfills”. In other words, if we were to see a Gentile putting on Tefillin, he has fulfilled a mitzvah and gets “some reward”.
There was one person who understood that belief in G-d overrides nature. Many, who were present there – believed in G-d and that He runs the world, but were hesitant to take that plunge into the sea. They, perhaps, knew that jumping in the water was the right path to take but… were afraid. However, one individual had the courage to act on his belief. One person was the first to take the risk. One person was willing to boldly go and lead the Jews into uncharted territory. That individual was Nachshon ben Aminadav.
We say MISHEH BERACH AVOTAINU: AVRAHAM, YITZCHAK, YAACOV etc. Why don’t we say instead BENYAMIN, YISHAI, KALEV and AMRAM? After all, these tzadikim were great; they never sinned.
Yehuda used the magic word “guarantee”; a guarantor is responsible even when it’s an OHNESS- an unavoidable mishap. Therefore, he will step up a notch; raise the volume on protecting what he guaranteed. The responsibility is much greater! The virtue of Yehuda was the ability to go beyond what is on the radar of others. For, in order to succeed in the optimal level, one has to go beyond the face value of his ability.
Nachshon ben Aminadav, who happens to be from the descendant of Yehuda and the ancestor of King David, took the initiative. The splitting of the sea was jump started and initiated by Nachshon. Every morning when we read AZ YASHIR Nachshon is in the forefront of not only getting credit for having true belief in G-d but also a trait that we should all possess, the trait of taking responsibility and making this world a better place
The constitution, with its Bill of Rights containing freedom of religion, speech and expression is enormous; it gives us the opportunity to grow as Jews in every sense of the word. In turn, we have to appreciate these privileges by giving respect to its institutions like democracy, voting etc. It includes patriotism and even fighting and dying for it. It certainly includes keeping its laws.
It says in last week’s parsha: A new king arose who did not know of Yosef. This is implying that Pharoah didn’t appreciate all that Yosef did for Egypt. Not only did he single-handedly save them from famine, Egypt became an epicenter for distribution of food. All this was initiated by a Jew, Joseph.
Trust me it’s quite difficult to forgo a lifestyle and a culture and to move. A friend moved to Israel many years ago; it took him 9 years to get used to Israel after being born and bred in New York. There was a snowy blanket covering Jerusalem recently. I saw a picture via Facebook of my friend playing and building a snowman in the streets of the holy city. He’s 51 years old !! It reminds me, and I’m sure him, of us playing as kids in the streets of Queens. I’m sure he remembers how it was at night in Queens with the reflection of the snow and the addition of the decorative, sharp, bright color lights of the non-Jewish holiday, as well as the Chanukah menorah illuminating the sky. This was an unforgettable moment of our cultural past.
There is a incredible explanation from Rabbi Oelbaum pertaining to the burning bush phenomena which can be understood better with a famous story. The Romans were afraid to enter the Kodesh HaKokoshim – the holy of holies – after conquering our holy Temple. So they said “Whoever will volunteer to enter can take whatever he wants for himself.” The rebellious Jew Yosef Mishteh said defiantly “I will”. He proceeded to take out the beautiful golden menorah only to be taken away by the Romans. “This is to beautiful for a Jewish commoner. This should be given to the Emperor instead. We’ll let you go in again and take out whatever you want. However this time he refused. I will not desecrate my G-d a second time ” he said. Even after they threatened death he still refused. They executed him. The question the Sages asked what transpired within the period of time between the first time he went in and the second? Why the sudden change of heart? Why did he now care about his creator when before he didn’t?
As a matter of fact G-d didn’t pull the trigger on expressing his desire for Moshe to be leader until the burning bush incident. The icing on the cake was seeing Moshe exhibiting curiosity when seeing the burning bush. It showed an interest in knowing; it showed a desire to analyze a situation. So we see there is a degree of intelligence needed for a leadership position.