Much has to be said of man’s true nature and how that affects his relationships and his conquest. When the masked is uncovered, perhaps one might learn a thing or two about his inner self from the powerful lesson in this week’s parsha. Interestingly, we raise eyebrows as to how the Torah deals with particular incident. After careful study of the human psyche we realize the wisdom of the rule.
Bob and Sue are alone in the park, walking beneath the full moon. Cupid flies by and shoots an arrow. Presto – Bob and Sue are madly in love!
They get married; have kids, a big house, and a heavy mortgage. Bob works hard to pay the bills, staying overtime at the office. While Bob is working late one night with his secretary Carol, Cupid sneaks up and shoots another arrow. Boing! Now Bob’s in love with Carol.
Bob returns home to Susie and proclaims, “I fell in love with the secretary. But what can I do, honey, the bum shot me!”
Out goes Susie, in comes Carol.
What’s the problem? Bob did not delve into an exploration of character and then fell in love after coming to a deep understanding of who she is. Bob’s love is not based on commitment and an effort to reveal virtues.
The more intimate the knowledge, the more you can love.
The Bible says that “Adam knew his wife Eve.” Love is built on knowledge. The more intimate the knowledge, the more you can love.
But the Western world thinks that love is not something you choose, love is something you are a “victim of.” So if you want to stay married, all you can do is hope that you don’t get shot by Cupid again! Is it any surprise that there is a 50 percent rate of divorce?
Infatuation is not love; it’s just physical attraction, the counterfeit. Real love is forever.
We see this in the relationship between parents and children. No parent ever gets up in the morning and decides: “I’ve decided I like the neighbors’ kids better. They don’t cough at night, and they get better math scores. You – kids get out. The neighbors are moving in.”
Sounds crazy, right? We don’t fall out of love with our kids, because we’re committed to loving them.
How do you know if you are in love or infatuated? If you hear yourself saying, “He’s perfect,” or “She’s perfect!” then beware! That’s not reality. That’s a sure sign of infatuation.
Real love takes work. You have to be willing to make the effort
In this week’s parsha we read about something unusual that our Torah permits, for it does not really meet the standards of Torah morality.. If our nation goes to war and our boys find an attractive prisoner of war whom a soldier wishes to wed: “She shall remove the garment of her captivity from upon herself and she shall sit in your house and she shall weep for her father and her mother for a full month; thereafter you may come to her and live with her, and she shall be a wife to you”
Rambam and Ramban believe that the female captive needs the month to overcome idol worship.
There is a very high standard in the requirement process for a Jewish soldier to be accepted for battle. As a matter of fact, it’s downright unrealistic. One has to be an angel to be a soldier in ancient times to fight the holy wars. He has to be a G-d-fearing patriotic and observant person, as outlined in last week’s parsha. How is it possible that a well-trained Jewish soldier well trained both physically and spiritually, who has mastered his faith somehow, enter into a sexual relationship with, the enemy, a non-Jewish woman, a relationship which Rashi points out to us will only bring him future grief and regret. The Torah gave us the impression that he’s a Tsaddik! He is far superior then your average “GI Jewish Joe”.
The heat and passions that war and combat arouse within a person cannot be limited to the actual battlefield alone. They carry on within the psyche and body of the soldier and find different ways of expression in all other areas of human life and experience. Those experienced are etched in him forever. We have seen Vietnam Vets act out their traumatic experiences of their ugly war even after much time has elapsed…
The observant Jew, who under ordinary and usual non-combat circumstances is devotedly pious and moral in one’s behavior, now becomes a sexual predator and enters into a physical relationship with a non-Jewish stranger. Is this not the strongest message possible that the Torah wishes to communicate to us about the consequences and effects of war!?
War requires the abandonment of personal inhibitions. One has to overcome the resistance not kill, however, when that becomes permissible then all barrios of prohibitions are lifted. When the dam breaks then all the water comes gushing out. That will help explain the scenario portrayed for us by this opening parsha of this week’s Torah reading.
When the soldier comes with his booty, his prisoner, his prize that he wants to marry, instead of rejecting her, the Torah surprisingly permits it, however, under special guidelines. For if they would reject his request he would most likely rebel against G-d. Perhaps its reverse psychology, if they say you can’t have it, then you’ll want her even more. Human nature is such that one wants what he can’t have.
Why is the area of sexuality such hot topic that the Torah raised their hands and pursuit it more delicately? How can we use this powerful source correctly? Furthermore the Torah is afraid that if it does not permit the soldier his prize, his new found love, he will disregard the law and rebel. How can the cream of the crop – soldier/talmid chacham rebel?
The sexual pleasure is by in large a difficult one to control, moreover, when you spice it up by adding the label “can’t have” it becomes more desirable, impossible to overcome’. It is so powerful; it can make monkeys out of us. It can be dangerous to the point of wrecking families. That’s why it’s essential to be in control of it.
***** I wrote a memorable article titled “the rebellious streak in all of us” which discusses how powerful our rebellious nature can be. I highly suggest one reads it. It’s part and parcel with this article.
It is not for naught that any and all of the blessings that were composed by the rabbis to be recited before the performance of a mitzvah contains the word v’tzivanu – and He has commanded us, for the word mitzvah itself, which we usually translate in terms of being a good deed, literally means something which has been commanded.
To be commanded is very difficult for us Americans to digest. We don’t like to be told what to do. For the most part if we cannot voice our opinion we feel our democratic rights have been violated. To be commanded is a very harsh terminology. We squirm of the ramifications. Perhaps, for this reason much literature of Torah prefers the Hebrew word mitzvah where that tough word – commandment is hidden behind the translation. It gives it a lighter tone. The fault line in Jewish life today remains as it always has been this acceptance or rejection of the concept of v’tzivanu.
Therefore we can sense what the rabbis meant when they said that the people of Israel accepted the Torah at Mount Sinai and they felt that the mountain hung over their heads as a terrible and forced burden.
Let’s explore the rebellious topic and perhaps find the root of where it stems.
Being rebellious is an act of evil.
Ever notice all children when they playfully hit the parent and the parent in return reacts in pain and screams “AHH”, the toddler will turn back with a devilish grin and enthusiastically strike again. When a parent commands “No!” children react the opposite way. As the toddler grows and becomes Bar Mitzvah the father says a special bracha exonerating himself from any sins that the young man will now commit. So children are mischievous. We bring here Ramban’s characteristic interpretation of the verse:
“For the impulse of man’s heart is evil from his youth.” He ascribes merit to men because by their very creation they have an evil nature in their youthful days but not in their mature years.
Is the human being inherently good or evil? This is one of the classic debates in the history of philosophy and religion. One might argue that it would make sense the rebellious nature is ingrained from birth therefore man has an uphill battle.
However, the Talmud teaches: “All Israel have a portion in the World to Come,” i.e. a person is destined for the place of True Reward — unless he or she does something to lose it.
In addition we read man was made in “G-d’s image.” This doesn’t contradict (Bereshit 6:5), for instance, which says, “And G-d saw the great evil of man in the world, and that the entire impulse of the thoughts of his heart were evil all day.” First, the verse doesn’t say that the “heart” itself was evil, but only the “impulse of the thoughts” of the human heart. In other words, side-by-side with this natural spirituality (i.e. the “heart” fashioned in the “Divine Image”) is an impulse for evil.
This impulse may be very strong and capable of overcoming the good to a great extent, but not enough to supplant and entirely eclipse the original state in which the human being was created, namely “in the Divine Image.” Ultimately, an impulse can be repulsed; an inherently evil nature cannot.
Another verse which implies man is inherently good, “G-d “blew the breath of [His eternal] life” into Adam. (Genesis 2:7). “One who blows, blows of the substance from within himself,” the mystics explain on this verse.
In contrast, some of the major representatives of the Mussar movement presented a most pessimistic view of man. Because man was formed from dust of the ground, his heart inclines to material desires, to eat, drink, and be merry, to covet fortune and riches, to love honor and power, to don haughtiness and pride to swell his heart, to delight in carnal pleasures, in every lowly trait and every despicable desire.
The argument of whether man is born inherently good or evil is presented throughout the generations. However, one very crucial aspect of our task in this world, we must realize, is that improvement is imminent. Evidence of positive spiritual growth and refinement of oneself, is on the eighth day from birth where the correction’s process is initiated with circumcision. This is the first of many tikunim – fixations that man is brought down to this world to perform.
One must also refine his character. This is part of productive growth. Interestingly, we see one of the evil characters and influential man of his time in our Torah, Nimrod (which means – to rebel) organize in a cohesive effort the people of the world to build a tower. Their intention was to climb up the tower and to destroy G-d. Yes, to have the audacity to even think about that. Our Sages mention that Nimrod’s arrogance led him to rebelling. The Sages teach us that this rebellious act, and for that matter all acts of rebellion, stems from ego. “I don’t want to be told what to do” “I’m the boss”, “I’m in control”. In essence they’re saying “I’m relinquishing my responsibility for I don’t believe it works. What I propose, what I am doing now is important, nothing else. I don’t care about G-d, only me”.
Perhaps, this is what Bob is saying to Suzie: “I don’t need you. What my feeling now is important and nothing else matters. I set the rules.”
In the Torah, the expression used to describe intimacy is “yadah,” which means “to know.” (“And Adam knew his wife Eve, and she became pregnant and had a child.” – Genesis 4:1) Yadah denotes that intimacy is not just a physical act, but is a full emotional union between two people.
Judaism defines marriage as “finding your other half.” Through marriage, two people become bound together into a single entity, bringing completeness to each other. The longing for intimacy is really an expression of the longing to be joined together with our “other half.” Through the relationship, we express this oneness.
We say that a man does not die except to his wife, and a woman does not die except to her husband. Others are pained by death, but a spouse’s life is demolished. If they had a strong marriage, the surviving spouse will have to reconstruct their whole existence.
Intimacy is not an appetite like every other appetite. It is reserved for the purpose of making oneness. It has to be with love or it is nothing.
When a man and woman make a marital commitment, they form a deep spiritual bond. They give to each other, and are committed for a lifetime. Intimacy binds husband and wife together, because it teaches us to focus beyond ourselves.
Outside of marriage, intimacy is ultimately frustrating because oneness can never be fully achieved. This is obvious in regard to a short-term encounter. But even in a long-term setting: Without the commitment of marriage, you always keep the option open of leaving the relationship. As a result, the degree of connectedness reaches a barrier. Eventually, frustration sets in, and the relationship erodes at its foundation.
Dr. Goldman asks: “Who has the most intense physical relationship? Is it the young newlywed?” Perhaps, at it’s the thirty something? He says something astonishing. The type of people who have the most intense relationship are the older generation, right wing orthodox Jews!!” You got to be kidding me, Doc? How is that possible?
He says “they have shared all their lives”. Dedicating to each other; they raised children; they’ve watched them grow. When they’re intimate it’s an expression of all their love. They become more sensitive to each other and there is a meaningful exchange between them. There is a history between them which translates to what a true “yada” – full emotional union between two people where each is eager to take responsibility of the other.
Rabbi Shimon Schwab walked into the doctor’s office with his wife who had intense uncomfortable feeling in her left leg. The Doctor came in to the examining room and asked what seems to be the problem? The Rabbi answered “our leg hurts”.
In marriage one becomes one flesh. If it hurts the Rebbetzin it will automatically hurt Rabbi Schwab.
The feeling of rebelliousness gives a person a sense of satisfaction.
There were two people who led the Jewish midwives in going against Pharaoh’s orders of murdering the Jewish babies. Yocheved and Miriam possessed many beautiful character traits including, faith in G-d, kindness, an unwavering belief in a better future and courage in the face of adversity. But none of these traits is mentioned in the Torah. Instead the text tells us: “…it was because the midwives feared G-d that He made them houses” (Shemos 1:21) and “…the midwives feared G-d and they did not do as the king of Egypt spoke to them, and they caused the boys to live” (Shemos 1:17).
